


Where the road takes us

by LonelyAngel



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Bullying, Friends to Lovers, Heartbreak, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Minor Character Death, Misunderstandings, Moving Away, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Pining, Sad, Separation, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-04-14 02:26:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 31,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14126100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LonelyAngel/pseuds/LonelyAngel
Summary: Tyler never thought he would fall in love with Josh Dun, the blue-haired punk from his school. The thing is, he can't tell Josh, because Tyler is straight and Josh is just his friend, nothing more.





	Where the road takes us

**Author's Note:**

> Geez, this took me like four months?
> 
> not proofread yet, sorry

**Be the one to take me home and show me the sun**

Tyler taps on the wooden frame of the window. Three times with his index finger, three times with his middle finger, skipping the ring finger, tapping three times with his pinky finger. Then, he twists the handle and opens the window.

 

The air is chilly and Tyler takes a few deep breaths before he looks down the street. He sees their neighbor, Mr. Edison entering his house, switching the light on in his living room. He's old and looks like he's already dead, but Tyler likes him.

 

Mr. Edison never comments on the fact that Tyler runs his hand along the fence of his garden and snaps his fingers when the fence ends every time he passes by.

 

Mr. Edison just nods and Tyler nods back. Sometimes, Mr. Edison says hi and Tyler stops because he knows Mr. Edison wants to chat. The old man approaches him and stops on the other side of the fence, resting both his hands on it and leaning towards Tyler.

 

"How are you, Tyler?" he asks and Tyler says that he's fine.

 

He never knows what to say next, so there's always an awkward silence before Mr. Edison hums and nods his head as if he answers a question only he can hear. Tyler waits and Mr. Edison clears his throat. He says "Mrs. King's son was sick this week." or "I bought milk yesterday."

 

Tyler always smiles at him, although he isn't really interested in Mrs. King's son, Mason, because he bullies Tyler every time he sees him. He says Tyler is a creep. He knows a lot of words that hurt Tyler, but Tyler always acts like he doesn't care that Mason is bullying him. Because it is bullying, but it could be worse and Tyler rarely cries about it.

 

And milk simply isn't interesting.

 

Mr. Edison never expects Tyler to respond, he just hums and says "bye, Tyler."

 

Sometimes, Mr. Edison says "I've seen the Dun kid this week. He has blue hair now." Tyler is glad that Mr. Edison never judges anyone. He never says "I heard that Mason, Mrs. King's son, was sick this week. A few days for Tyler without being bullied by him. A break from the mean words. Mason deserves catching the flu. He's a mean, snotty kid."

 

Tyler wants to say it, but he's quiet and polite and he knows Mr. Edison wouldn't like it. And Tyler would get mad if Mr. Edison would say that the blue hair doesn't fit _the Dun kid._

 

So Tyler just smiles and then walks away. He's busy, he's always busy.

 

One time, Tyler forgot to snap his fingers after he touched the fence. He had a song stuck in his mind and just forgot to snap his fingers. Some people would say that it wasn't important. But it was important to Tyler. When he went home, he didn't think about it, he just dropped his bag on the floor and then did his homework. He had to write an essay, but he stopped mid-sentence when he remembered that he forgot to snap his fingers.

 

His teacher would say that Tyler should snap his fingers and everything would be fine, but she doesn't understand. He has to touch the fence first, the entire fence and then has to snap his fingers.

 

A few seconds later, Tyler was running down the stairs and crossing the street. Mr. Edison was in his garden and he looked up and watched Tyler sprinting towards the fence, running his hand over it and snapping his fingers. Tyler sighed in relief after it. Mr. Edison just looked at him and then went back to whatever he was doing before Tyler interrupted it. Tyler promised himself to never forget about again.

 

 Tyler yawns and then looks around in his room. It's almost 10 pm and he's getting tired. He runs his fingers through his brown hair. It's getting long and Tyler wants to shave it, but his mom doesn't allow it.

 

Tyler takes a deep breath before he grabs all the books, the CDs and the actions figures from his shelf and places them on the floor. Then, he blows the dust off the shelf and starts to place the books neatly back on the shelf, the CDs on the left and the action figures on the right.

 

It takes half an hour and it looks exactly like before, but Tyler feels satisfied and there's only one thing he has to do before he can go to bed. He brushes his teeth and gets ready for bed. After he changed into his pajamas, he walks to the kitchen and checks if the stove is turned off. It is and he walks to his parents' bedroom and knocks at the door before opening it.

 

His parents are lying in bed, his father already asleep, and his mother reading a book.

 

"I'm going to bed." he whispers. "I checked the stove, it's turned off."

 

His mother nods. "Thank you, Tyler. Goodnight."

 

"Goodnight, mom." Tyler says and closes the door. Then, he walks back to his room and slips under the covers. He closes his eyes and falls asleep quickly.

                              

 

 

 

Tyler wakes up at 5.30. It is way too early but he can't fall asleep again, so instead he gets up and gets dressed. He decides to go for a walk. Tyler loves the morning time. Everything is quiet and the whole neighborhood seems blue and pink. He loves seeing the sun rise. 

 

His parents don't know that he sneaks out sometimes just to go for a walk and clear his head without telling them. They would worry about him. They worry about Tyler a lot, actually. Tyler is not a social person, he doesn't have any close friends, but that's okay, because he has Zack and Maddy. He doesn't mind being alone. The other kids think he's weird anyway, so why would anyone want to be friends with him? And Tyler has to admit, he never tries to make a friend. He doesn't want to get rejected, he notices the way the other students look at him. They don't bully him, Mason is the only one, the others just ignore Tyler unless they have to do a project with him. Then they have to talk to him, but they only talk about school. Tyler exchanges only a few words with his classmates. He doesn't want to bother them.

 

He's just the weird kid, who rarely talks and spends his lunch break in the school library. Tyler likes the library a lot, it a quiet place and most of the time, he has it for himself.

 

Tyler's mom knows that it is difficult for Tyler to socialize. She just wants her son to be happy and Tyler says that he is. She's only worried about his habit of checking the stove every evening, but Tyler reassures her and tells her that he's better safe than sorry. 

 

Tyler walks down the street, hands shoved into the pocket of his mustard colored hoodie. He usually wears black skinny jeans and a black tee or hoodie, but his mom insisted on buying something more colorful. Tyler likes the hoodie. It is comfortable.

 

It's cold outside in Columbus although it is spring, but the sun didn't rise yet. Tyler left his jacket at home, too eager to go out and breathe in the fresh, cold air. It had been raining overnight and the street is still wet. Tyler looks into the garden of Mr. Edison as he walks by. Some flowers start to bloom. Every spring, Mr. Edison's garden is full of flowers and Tyler loves it.

 

Tyler sighs and passes the garden. He wonders how many years it'll take until Mr. Edison dies. Don't get him wrong, he likes the old man – but that's exactly what he is. He's an old man and old people die.

 

Tyler thinks a lot about life, dying and death in general. He wants to know what death exactly is. Is there heaven and hell or just nothing? Or is it like sleep?

 

Tyler hopes there's something like heaven, a safe place. Sometimes he wonders what will happen if he falls asleep and never wakes up again. Would somebody miss him? His family, sure and maybe Mr. Edison. Mason would be happy for sure.

 

For a split second Tyler wonders if the Dun kid would miss him, but they never exchanged more than a few words and he probably doesn't know that Tyler thinks about him.

 

A car passes by, slowly, headlights bright and Tyler squints his eyes. He walks faster. The sun starts rising slowly, shining through the space between the houses. Some people start to wake up and switch the lights in their houses on. Tyler stops and watches the sun poking through the houses and cars, shining onto the street.

 

A few minutes later he glances at his watch. It's time to go back home and get ready for school. Tyler rubs his eyes, suddenly he feels very tired and he just wants to crawl back into his bed and curl himself up under covers. With a yawn, Tyler turns and walks back. He speeds up, he has to reach his house before his parents get up. He's sure they wouldn't want their eldest son to lurk around the neighborhood in the morning.

 

On his way back Tyler thinks about the Dun kid. He knows the name of the boy is Josh, but in his mind, he's always the Dun kid. The kid that has gauges and a nose ring and blue hair. A rebel. But he's nice, he never said a mean word to Tyler. He doesn't talk much, but he seems cool. Sometimes Tyler thinks the blue-haired boy has anxiety or something, but maybe he just doesn't feel the need to talk.

 

Tyler likes him, although they aren't friends. He wouldn't admit it, but he wants to be friends with the Dun kid.

 

Tyler's parents would probably be happy that their son finally made a friend, but Tyler knows they wouldn't want him to be friends with the boy. Because they don't want that Tyler gets involved into drugs or other illegal things.

 

The Dun kid smokes. He smokes a lot, actually. Tyler has seen him through the windows of the library, smoking and talking on his phone. The boy is around Tyler's age. Tyler is sixteen, he gets seventeen in December, so the boy is probably sixteen or seventeen, too.

 

Tyler can't think about it any longer, because he reaches his house and unlocks the door. His family isn't up yet, so Tyler sneaks to his room and a few minutes later, his alarm clock goes off. Tyler grabs his backpack and walks downstairs. He grabs a bowl and cereal, _Reese's puffs,_ and starts eating. He hears his family walking around, getting ready for the day. Zack runs downstairs and sits down at the table. He starts shoving the cereal into his mouth.

 

"Why are you already up? You're usually late." he says.

 

Tyler shrugs. "I couldn't sleep. And don't speak with cereal in your mouth. That's disgusting."

 

Zack grimaces. "Yeah, but you chew very loud."

 

Tyler sighs and carries his empty bowl to the sink. He doesn't want to go to school, but he has to. His mother knows when he pretends to be ill and she will send him to school anyway.

 

He brushes his teeth, cards through his hair with his fingers in an attempt to style it and says goodbye to the rest of his family.

 

 

 

He walks to school, it's not that far and he loves walking anyway. Tyler listens to music on his way to school and it calms him down enough not to turn around and run home.

 

Mason ignores Tyler, he doesn't even look at him. Tyler sits down and places his hands on the desk, palms pushing down against the cool surface.

 

 

 

Tyler listens to the teachers, but doesn't talk. In his writing class they have to write a poem. His teacher, Mrs. Moore, says they can write whatever they want to write about. Tyler bites his lip and grabs a pencil. He closes his eyes. The windows are open and he can hear a few birds singing. Another sign that it is getting warmer. Tyler opens his eyes and starts to write.

 

Half an hour later, Mrs. Moore clears her throat.

 

"Before you all head to lunch break, I want to hear at least one poem." Her eyes trail over the students and Tyler ducks his head.

 

Mrs. Moore looks at him. "Tyler." She says. "Please read your poem out loud."

 

Tyler's breath gets caught in his throat and he looks down on the sheet. He feels like suffocating and the letters seem to move, they're blurry and he can barely read his own words. He pushes the palms of his hands down on the desk, takes a shaky breath and starts to speak.

 

_All we are is an isle of flightless birds_

_We find our worth in giving birth and stuff_

_We're lining our homes against winding roads_

_And we think the going is tough_

_We pick songs to sing, remind us of things that nobody cares about_

_And honestly we're probably more suicidal than ever now_

 

That's all he has written so far and he closes his eyes for a moment before he places his hands in his lap. There's sweat on the desk from his hands and his heart is pounding in his chest.

 

The entire room is silent, nobody dares to talk. Finally, Mrs. Moore blinks. She swallows and taps her fingers against her desk.

 

"Well, Tyler, that's…a weird poem. It's pretty dark… I…" She takes a deep breath. "Do you… do you have any problems? Do you need somebody to talk to?"

 

Tyler's cheeks heat up with embarrassment. He shakes his head no and looks down. Tears well up in his eyes but he won't cry in front of his classmates.

 

He hears his classmates snickering and he bites his cheek. His teeth are sharp and they rip the skin inside his mouth open. The taste of blood fills Tyler's mouth and makes him want to puke. Tyler's hands are shaking. He doesn't hear the bell ring and when he finally fought the tears back and looks up, most of the others already left the room.

 

Tyler stands up, drops his books and the rest of his things into his backpack and wants to leave the room, but Mrs. Moore grabs his arm. "Tyler, wait a minute."

 

Tyler withdraws his arm and takes a step back. Mrs. Moore looks worried. She clasps her hands together.

 

"I didn't want to expose you, Tyler. I'm sorry if I did. I was just worried. Usually people write about vacation or love, but not about…suicide."

 

Tyler avoids her eyes and fumbles with his shirt.

 

"I just want to know… are you okay, Tyler?" she asks softly.

 

Tyler looks up. "I'm okay." He says quietly. "I'm fine."

 

Mrs. Moore sighs. "Well…you can talk to me whenever you feel bad or something, okay?"

 

Tyler nods sharply. "Thank you, Mrs. Moore. Have a nice day."

 

He hurries to leave the classroom, pushes his way through the crowded halls and heads to the library. Suddenly, he hears someone calling after him.

 

"Hey, weirdo!" Mason says and grabs Tyler's shoulder. Tyler wants to walk away, but Mason turns him around. He looks at Tyler and there's a hint of disgust on his face.

 

 

 

Tyler knows why Mason hates him, at least he assumes it. A few years ago, Mason bullied a few kids, just to find out who would defend himself and who was weak enough to be a victim. Tyler didn't know that Mason was just testing the waters when he said some means things to Tyler. He just heard this boy insulting him and he didn't know what he did to make Mason mad.

 

Tyler ignored Mason but at home he cried because of it. His mom got really angry and called Mrs. King, Mason's mother.

 

Tyler had been eavesdropping so he knows that his mother told Mrs. King that her son was sensitive and that he couldn't defend himself. Tyler assumed Mrs. King told Mason the exact same thing to make him stop, but she just added fuel to the fire.

 

 

 

Tyler avoids Mason's eyes and stares to the ground.

 

"Tyler. That's your name, right?" Mason laughs. He imitates Mrs. Moore's voice. "Oh, Tyler, that's a weird poem. Why is it so dark? Do you have any problems? Do you need somebody to talk to?"

 

He presses his index finger against Tyler's chest. "Your poem was shit. Just like you. You're fucked up."

 

Tyler expects to be shoved into the wall, but Mason turns and walk away. Tyler blinks violently to avoid crying in the hallway of the school and walks to the library.

 

He enters the room and walks to the table at the other side, right in front of the window. He sits down, shaking and drops his backpack on the floor.

 

Tears start streaming over his face. He hasn't got the strength to fight them back anymore. Tyler buries his head in his hands. He starts to sob. He's scared that someone will see him, but things can't get any worse, can they?

 

He can't stop crying. The tears keep streaming down his face, no matter how often Tyler wipes them away. His body is shaken by sobs and he covers his mouth with the collar of his shirt to muffle his crying. What if Mason is right? Is he really fucked up? Tyler can't help it, his poetry is dark, but sometimes there's something hopeful in it. It's just his way to express himself.

 

Is it weird to think a lot about life and death like he does? He's curious to know what happens after you die, but does it mean he's suicidal? Tyler is scared that there's something wrong with him. He knows he's weird, but he's happy most of the time so he can't be depressed, right? The fear of some part of him being broken in an unfixable way makes his heart race and his entire body shake.

 

 

 

Suddenly, he hears a knock at the window. Tyler looks up and flinches when he sees the Dun kid standing outside. He has a cigarette between his lips and his phone in one hand. The Dun kid mouths something and Tyler looks at him in confusion. The blue-haired boy rolls his eyes and repeats his words more slowly.

 

Tyler blinks and tries to understand what the Dun kid is saying. The boy sighs and takes a step back. He drops his cigarette to the ground and holds one finger up. Then, he turns and walks away.

 

Tyler sighs and drops his head back into his hands, smearing his tears all over his cheeks. Now the boy saw him crying. Great. Now he probably thinks that Tyler is a crybaby or something. No chance that he would like to be Tyler's friend.

 

He looks up when he hears footsteps approaching him and his jaw drops in surprise. It's him and he stops next to Tyler's table, thumbs hooked into the belt loops of his black skinny jeans.

 

"Hey." He says quietly.

 

Tyler just looks at him with a mix of confusion and pure horror on his face. The Dun kid is talking to him.

 

"What…what do you want?" Tyler whispers and his voice cracks. He's afraid that the boy will make fun of him or beat him up. Because the Dun kid is a punk and a rebel and as much as Tyler adores him, he is afraid of him.

 

The boy shrugs. "I just wanted to ask if you're okay. I mean obviously you're not, because you're crying, and, uh, I just wanted to, uh…" he trails off and raises his shoulders. "I, uh, honestly have no idea what I want to do…I just want to make sure that you're okay, I guess."

 

Tyler bites his lip. The Dun kid cares about him. Why?

 

The boy looks at him. "What's wrong, Tyler? Why are you crying?" he asks softly.

 

And the fact that he knows Tyler's name and that he's not making fun of him and really wants to help, makes Tyler cry again. The boy sits down next to him.

 

Tyler sobs and tears spill out of his eyes like waterfalls. The boy raises an arm to place it on Tyler's shoulder and Tyler doesn't know why, but suddenly he's clinging to him, sobbing into the boy's shirt and hiding his face in his chest.

 

The Dun kid seems surprised, but hesitantly wraps his arms around Tyler while the brunette keeps crying and drenching his shirt with his tears.

 

The blue-haired boy starts rubbing Tyler's back. He smells like fresh air and cigarette smoke and peppermint gum. "Tyler." he hums and rubs circles on Tyler's back. He's warm and Tyler feels safe in his arms, although they don't even know each other.

 

After a few minutes, Tyler calms down and lets go of the boy's shirt. He wipes the tears away and takes a deep breath.

 

The blue-haired looks down on his own shirt, stained with tears and snot. He sighs quietly, but doesn't seem disgusted by the fact that Tyler just rubbed his germs on his shirt.

 

"I'm sorry." Tyler whispers, but the other just shrugs.

 

"I don't care." He looks at Tyler. "I don't know if you know my name?"

 

"Josh." Tyler says slowly and the Dun kid – no, Josh – smiles.

 

Tyler sighs and rubs his eyes with the palms of his hands. He feels tired and exhausted from crying so much.

 

"So…do you want to talk about it?" Josh asks softly, leaning forward. "If somebody stole your lunch, I can beat them up." he offers with a crooked smile.

 

The corners of Tyler's mouth started to twitch. "I don't think that's a good idea. But thank you."

 

Josh runs a hand through his blue, curly hair. "Well, I could be your personal bodyguard."

 

Tyler sniffs. "Sorry, but I can't afford a personal bodyguard."

 

Josh grins for a second before he gets serious. "What happened?"

 

Tyler avoids his eyes and looks out of the window. "Just… I think there's something wrong with me." he mumbles.

 

"What makes you think that way?" Josh furrows his brows.

 

Tyler swallows. "We had to write a poem… in class… and the teacher said I had to read mine out loud. So I did and now she thinks I'm suicidal or depressed."

 

"Are you?" Josh asks slowly and looks at Tyler.

 

Tyler's eyes meet Josh's and he stutters. "I… I don't know. I don't know. I think a lot about death, but I… I don't want to die."

 

Josh looks at him with a blank face expression.

 

Tyler fumbles at the hem of his shirt. "There's a guy in my class. He makes fun of me. He said I was fucked up and I think he's right."

 

Anger flashes up in Josh's eyes. "Who?"

 

Tyler regrets telling Josh about it. He doesn't know him. "It's not important."

 

Josh looks at him for a few seconds without answering, then he sighs. "If he ever bullies you again, tell me, okay?"

 

Tyler doesn't respond. He won't tell Josh. Josh is not his friend, his protector. No way Josh will get in trouble because of him.

 

The blue-haired boy sighs. "It's okay. I get it. You don't have to tell me. But, Tyler, I don't think there's something wrong with you. You think a lot, so what? As long as you think that you're okay, everything's fine. And even if you're not okay, then there are many people who feel the same way and who can help you. Don't work yourself up over some stupid asshole. I know life seems worthless sometimes. You need to find your purpose and I know you can do it. Just have faith in yourself."

 

It's weird, but Josh's words spark a feeling of hope in Tyler's chest. Hope that he can be normal. That he doesn't have to change. The words go straight to Tyler's heart and spread a warm feeling in his chest. Tyler runs his tongue along the bite marks inside his cheek and smiles. He smiles and Josh smiles back.

 

"Thank you." Tyler says and he means it.

 

Josh pats his shoulder. "Good luck, man. With everything." he stands up and leaves the library without looking back.

 

Tyler sits at the table, cheeks still damp from the tears, but a smile on his lips and hope in his heart.

 

                              

 

 

If Tyler thought they would be friends after the incident in the library, he was wrong. He sees Josh from afar the next day in school, but he doesn't approach him. He doesn't know what to say anyways.

 

At lunch break, he sits in the library again, looking out of the window and hoping that Josh will show up. He doesn't, but Tyler just shakes his head and leaves the library.

 

He walks through the hallway when he sees the familiar blue hair. Josh is standing next to a few people, talking and smiling from time to time. Tyler stops and watches him. He waits and after a minute, Josh looks up. He stares at Tyler for a second, before he turns his head away.

 

Tyler swallows. Josh just ignored him. He didn't even smile at Tyler. The brunette didn't expect him to come over and talk, he just wanted a sign that Josh remembered him. But Josh is busy with talking to his friends. Tyler turns and walks away.

 

He doesn't know why, but he's shaking and his entire body feels heavy.

 

 

 

 

Mason left Tyler alone the entire day. He ignored him and Tyler is glad about it, although it gives him more time to think. His mind is always busy, Tyler is always thinking about something, analyzing and overanalyzing all the time. He knows he has to be careful with his thoughts. It's easy for him to tell himself something until he believes it.

 

Right now, Tyler is thinking about Josh. He's in class, but that's not important. He is confused by the way he acted in the hallway. Why didn't he smile at Tyler? Why did he ignore him?

 

Maybe Josh thought about yesterday and thinks that it is better to keep a safe distance to the weird kid. Or he just doesn't want to be Tyler's friend. But what if it is Tyler's fault? Maybe he should've told Josh that he wanted to befriend him. That he's interested in friendship.

 

Tyler bites his bottom lip until it starts to bleed. He should stop with it, but he can't, so he just pulls at his lip with his teeth and enjoys the stinging pain he feels.

 

He touches his lip with his finger and stares at the blood mixed with saliva on his fingertip. He hears a few girls snicker behind him. Tyler licks the blood away and a girl mumbles "Ew, that's gross." loud enough for Tyler to hear it.

 

Tyler thinks about turning and smiling at her with his bloody teeth, just to see if she freaks out, but instead he just stops gnawing at his lip and sighs.

 

He wants the school to end so that he can get home and sleep.

 

                              

 

 

Tyler's mom cooked food and he can smell it as soon as he opens the front door. It smells good, but Tyler isn't hungry.

 

He walks into the kitchen and sees his mom standing at the stove.

 

"How was school, Tyler?" She asks.

 

Tyler shrugs. "Okay."

 

"Do you want to eat something?"

 

"No, I'm not hungry." Tyler mumbles and turns. "I'm going to my room."

 

Tyler walks upstairs and sits down on his bed with a sigh. He runs his hands over his face and presses his thumbs against his temples. He feels weak and sad, although he doesn't know why.

 

Tyler stands up and taps against the frame of the window before he opens it. He takes a few deep breaths before he slumps down on his bed and closes his eyes. He dozes off quickly, but only sleeps a few minutes before he wakes up.

 

Tyler stares at the ceiling, hands resting on his stomach. He knows he should get up to do his homework and study for his exam in biology at the end of the week, but he just can't force himself to get up.

 

His mom calls him for dinner and Tyler finally gets up with a groan. He's still tired and not in the best mood.

 

Dinner is awkward. His parents ask Tyler about school, but he doesn't want to tell them about Mason or the crying yesterday. He stares at his plate.

 

"I talked to the Dun kid yesterday." He says.

 

"Oh, really?" Tyler's mom says and raises an eyebrow. "Jordan Dun or… Josh Dun?"

 

Tyler looks up. "Josh… Josh Dun. Who's Jordan?"

 

"His younger brother." His mother answers.

 

"Isn't Josh the guy with the blue hair?" Zack asks. "I've seen him smoke in front of the library a few times."

 

"Yeah. He has blue hair." Tyler says and ignores Zack's remark about the smoking.

 

Tyler knows, the way his mother furrows her brows and presses her lips together is not a good sign. And he's right.

 

"Tyler, I don't think it is a good idea to be friends with… Josh. Everybody knows he's a… weird kid. He's a bad influence."

 

Tyler drops his fork and crosses his arms. "I'm weird, too. And I thought you'd want me to socialize more."

 

Kelly sighs. "Tyler, you know I'd be happy if you go out more or bring a friend home, but not… Josh. Not someone who smokes and looks like a punk. The people talk about him, Tyler. They don't like his looks and I agree with them. The blue hair, the tattoos…"

 

Tyler stares angrily at her. "Don't judge a book by its cover."

 

"I know. And I want you to make friends. There are so many people on your school, why can't you find someone else."

 

"I don't want to be friends with someone else. I talked to Josh, he's nice. Yes, he smokes and he looks different but that doesn't make him a bad person, mom." Tyler says through gritted teeth.

 

"I don't think he's a bad person just because the way he looks." Kelly says calmly.

 

"But you're assuming it!" Tyler breathes heavily through his nose.

 

"I know what the people are talking, Tyler, and the things they say are not good. He smokes! What if he does drugs or something like that?" Kelly gets angry. She wants Tyler to understand.

 

"He's not a junkie, mom!" Tyler raises his voice. "He's a nice guy, the only one who is nice to me in school!"

 

Zack and his mother look at him and Tyler knows exactly what they are thinking.

 

_Why do you think Josh wants to be your friend, Tyler? What if he just pities you? We don't want you to get hurt._

 

Tears burn in Tyler's eyes. His hands are shaking.

 

Kelly clears her throat. "Tyler, I know you think I'm unfair, but I just want the best for you. And Josh Dun is not a good influence. I want you to stay away from him."

 

Tyler slams his hands on the table. "No."

 

"Tyler!" Kelly says sharply and glares at her son.

 

Tyler stands up. He's angry, so angry. "Fuck you!" he yells.

 

Everybody stares at him in shock. Tyler can't believe he said it out loud.

 

Then, his mother clears her throat. "Tyler, you're grounded for the rest of the week. You're not allowed to go for a walk or go to the music store."

 

Tyler turns and runs before his mother sees the tears that spill out of his eyes. He sobs and runs into his room slamming the door loudly. Tyler runs to his bed and slips under the covers. He tries to muffle his sobs with his hands clasped over his mouth.

 

It doesn't work and Tyler can't breathe under the covers, so he sits up, pulls his knees to chest and buries his face knees. His thin frame is shaken by sobs and his breathing is irregular. He has to be quiet because his window is still open and everybody outside can hear him, but he doesn't want to switch the light on and leave the bed to close it.

 

It takes almost an hour until he calms down enough to stretch his legs and wipe the tears away. Tyler takes a few deep breaths. He's still angry and hurt.

 

Josh is nice, he's not a junkie and Tyler is angry that his mother assumes it. He feels betrayed, his own mother doesn't approve his only friend.

 

Tyler squeezes his eyes shut when he realizes that Josh isn't his friend. That Josh didn't talk to him today. That he simply ignored Tyler.

 

But the desire to have a friend is still there and Tyler knows that he wants Josh to be his friend. Only Josh.

 

The shelf. Tyler forgot the shelf.

 

Tyler jumps up, anxiety running through his veins. He switches the light on and starts to rearrange the things of the shelf. He calms down in the process on putting the CDs back on it, but not enough to forget what his mother said.

 

When Tyler has finished, he runs his hand through his hair and thinks hardly.

 

What would Josh do?

 

He wouldn't listen to his parents. He wouldn't care about being grounded, he would simply sneak out. Maybe he would even walk straight to the door and go out, ignoring the yells of his parents.

 

Tyler is always a good son. He always listens to his parents. But tonight, Tyler wants to be like Josh. He wants to rebel against his parents.

 

But Tyler is too afraid to sneak out while his parents are awake, so he lies in bed, wide awake and waiting until they go to be bed. Finally, the house is quiet.

 

Tyler gets up and grabs his keys. He flinches every time he hears a noise, being scared of getting caught by his parents. Tyler knows they are fast asleep, but he's careful. It takes forever until he twists the door handle and slips out.

 

Tyler closes the door as quietly as possible and looks up at the sky. He can see a few stars. It's cold outside, so Tyler has to sneeze a few times because the cold air tickles in his nose.

 

He starts to walk, glancing over his shoulder a few times because his mind tricks him and makes him believe that someone is following him.

 

Unfortunately, Tyler gets tired quickly. He decides to return back home, because his warm bed seems like a much better place for him to be than the dark streets.

 

The brunette hurries to get home and is glad when he finally turns the key in the lock of the front door. The house is warm and Tyler shudders. His hands feel numb and he sneezes again, trying to be quiet.

 

He checks the stove on his way to his room and finds it turned off.

 

Tyler sighs happily when he finally lies in his bed, covers pulled up to his nose. With a yawn, he closes his eyes and falls asleep with a satisfied smile on his lips.

 

                              

 

 

The next week, Tyler is very busy. He studies for his exams, he does homework and he goes for long walks after the weekend. It's getting warmer and Tyler loves to feel the sun on his skin.

 

He sees Josh a few times in school, but they never talk. Tyler is too shy to talk to him, so he just smiles and Josh smiles back. Tyler accepts the fact that they'll probably never be friends. It makes him sad, but he's sure Josh wouldn't want to be friends with him.

 

It seems like Josh prefers being alone. Tyler watches him, he learns that Josh has friends, but they're not very close.

 

Every day is exactly the same and Tyler isn't sure what to think about it. It's Wednesday and Tyler is on his way to the library. He feels bad, because he failed the biology test, although he studied hours for it. He feels stupid. And he hates it.

 

As soon as reaches the big room, he calms down and takes a deep breath.

 

Tyler walks through the library, running his fingers over the books and grabs a book without looking at it. He carries it to the nearest desk and places it on it before he drops his backpack next to the chair.

Tyler sits down and looks at the book. It's a play and it is called _All my sons_ by Arthur Miller. Tyler opens the book and starts reading.

 

It's a short play, only three acts. Tyler likes the theme of moral dilemma in the book. He's intrigued by it and can't stop reading, he almost doesn't hear the bell ring. Tyler reads the last page of the book on his way out of the library. It has no happy end. Tyler hurries to go to class, but he doesn't pay attention to what the teacher's saying.

 

Tyler thinks a lot about the play the entire day.

 

 

 

 

Tyler wakes up early the next morning. He's sweaty and breathing heavily. He had a dream about the pilots dying and he has to remind himself that it was just a dream.

 

The brunette wipes the sweat off his forehead and gets dressed. He leaves the house, having more than an hour until he has to go home and get ready for school.

 

Tyler starts to walk, looking down on the ground. It's foggy outside and Tyler feels like he is breathing underwater.

 

He looks up to cross the road. Suddenly, he sees someone sitting on the sidewalk, back resting against a fence. Tyler stops when he recognizes Josh with his blue hair, a black scarf covering his mouth.

 

Tyler hesitates, but eventually decides to approach him. Josh looks up when Tyler stops next to him. His face is blank, his nose a little bit red from the cold. The screen of his phone that he has in his hands illuminates his face.

 

"Hi." Tyler says.

 

Josh looks at him for a moment before he clears his throat. "Hey."

 

"Can I sit down?" Tyler asks and points at the sidewalk.

 

Josh nods and Tyler sits down, legs crossed. Even through his skinny jeans he can feel the cold, wet sidewalk and it makes Tyler shiver.

 

"What are you doing here?" Josh asks while he types something on his phone.

 

"I'm going for a walk. And you?"

 

Josh shrugs. "Just chillin'." He pulls the scarf down and grabs a cigarette out of his pocket and lights it. He takes a deep drag and sighs, blowing the smoke out of his nose.

"I hope you don't mind me smoking?" Josh asks but it isn't a question.

 

Tyler mumbles "no" and leans his head back against the fence, closing his eyes. He can feel Josh's warmth next to him, can smell the smoke. It feels good, being close to someone. They sit in silence, Josh smoking and being on his phone, Tyler dozing off, his head tilting to the side onto Josh's shoulder.

 

He wakes up when someone grabs his shoulder and shakes him carefully.

 

"Tyler. Tyler, hey!" Josh says.

 

Tyler blinks.

 

"Wake up, we need to go to school." Josh reaches out for Tyler's hand and pulls him to his feet.

 

Tyler rubs his eyes and smiles sheepishly. "Thank you… for waking me up."

 

Josh smiles. "No problem, man. You seemed tired, but I thought you wouldn't want to ditch school."

 

They walk next to each other, shoulders brushing whenever the sidewalk gets smaller. Finally, they separate ways. Tyler turns to the left.

 

"See you later." Josh says.

 

Tyler grins. "Yeah."

 

                

 

 

Usually, Tyler isn't thrilled to go to school, but today he can't wait. Can't wait to see Josh again and maybe talk to him.

 

He hurries to get to school, but he doesn't see Josh before heading to his first period.

 

Tyler waits impatiently and doesn't pay attention to the teachers. Finally, the bell rings and Tyler jumps up, grabbing his backpack and sprinting to the cafeteria. He assumes Josh is there, but he is nowhere to be seen.

 

Tyler waits a few minutes until he decides to go to the library. He walks to his place and sees Josh sitting at the table, on his phone, again.

 

He looks up when he notices Tyler and a smile spreads on his face and makes his eyes crinkle.

 

"Hi, Tyler. Long time no see."

 

Tyler chuckles quietly and sits down next to him. "Very funny."

 

Josh lifts his snapback and runs his hand through his blue hair. "School is boring."

 

Tyler wants to agree but instead he says "I like your hair."

 

Josh grins. "Thanks, man. I like the blue, but I think I need a change soon."

 

"Back to your natural hair?" Tyler asks, because he is really curious how Josh looks with his natural hair color.

 

"No." Josh shakes his head. "I thought about dyeing it again. Another color."

 

"I think you'd look amazing with your natural hair, too." Tyler says and blushes, because, damn, that sounded gay.

 

Josh simply smiles. Then, he puts the snapback back on his head and looks at Tyler. "Do you want me to dye your hair?"

 

"What? No!" Tyler says quickly. "My parents would kill me. And I like my hair the way it is, thanks."

 

Josh starts tapping against the table. "You should show me your poem."

 

"Poem?" Tyler furrows his brows.

 

"Yeah, the one you wrote in class and had to read out loud."

 

"No! No…" Tyler shakes his head in shock. His cheeks heat up in embarrassment. "You don't want to hear it."

 

"I want to hear it." Josh leans forward and makes eye contact. He looks truly interested. "Tyler, please."

 

The brunette bites his lip.

 

"Please, Tyler. Please, please, please."

 

Josh makes puppy eyes and Tyler can't help but grin.

 

"Okay. But don't laugh at me."

 

"I won't." Josh says and places a hand on his heart.

 

"Okay. Okay." Tyler takes a deep breath and grabs his backpack, rummaging through it until he finds the poem scribbled on a paper.

 

He looks at it. Suddenly, his throat feels tight again, the familiar feeling of suffocating makes his hands shake. Tyler blinks a few times.

 

It's okay. Josh won't laugh. He promised.

 

Tyler knows he has to read it before he chickens out. He clears his throat and starts speaking.

 

He doesn't look at Josh a single time. Josh is quiet and when Tyler finishes, he does everything to avoid looking at Josh. He stares at the ground, swallowing the lump in his throat.

 

"What do you think about it?" Tyler speaks up finally.

 

"I really liked it, Tyler." Josh clears his throat. "It's deep, but I like it." He sounds honest and it gives Tyler enough courage to look up again.

 

"I feel honored to hear it. It's art. I suck at poetry, but I still enjoy it and especially this one."

 

"I think it's too personal." Tyler mumbles.

 

"Yeah, but I think, and maybe I'm wrong, but I think true emotions make good art, no matter if it is fun, anger, pain or sadness. Because it makes things authentic."

 

Tyler looks at the paper in his hands and for the first time, he feels proud of himself. He knows he created something and Josh liked it.

 

"Don't let other people discourage or stop you creating Tyler, okay?" Josh places his hands on Tyler's knees.

 

Tyler nods and Josh squeezes his knees before he withdraws his hands. "Do you want to hang out after school?"

 

For a second, Tyler thinks he misheard Josh's words, but then realization hits him.

 

Josh asked him to hang out. Josh Dun wanted to hang out with him. With Tyler Joseph, the loner.

 

Tyler nods violently. "Yes!"

 

Josh grins. "At my place, okay? I'll pick you up."

 

Tyler wants to agree, but then he thinks about his mom. She probably wouldn't allow him to hang out with Josh. "Better not. My… I'm going to walk. I don't want to be a burden."

 

"You're not a burden."

 

"It's okay. I prefer walking anyway." Tyler smiles and hopes that Josh won't press any further.

 

Josh shrugs. "Okay. I'll text you. Let's exchange numbers."

 

Tyler hands him his phone and types his own number in Josh's phone. The bell rings.

 

"Lunch break's over." Tyler states and stands up. "Let's go." They walk out of the library. Before they walk to their classrooms, Tyler smiles sheepishly at Josh.

 

"Thank you, Josh."

 

Josh furrows his brows. "There's no need to thank me."

 

"I…just… I never had…" Tyler rambles. "Thank you for inviting me over."

 

Josh grins. "No problem. I'm looking forward to it. See you, bro."

 

And suddenly, Tyler has a bro.

 

 

               

 

Tyler is standing in front of Josh's house. He rings and only a few seconds later, the door opens. A boy with brown, curly hair looks at him. He glances at Tyler and then he turns back into the house.

"Josh! Your friend is here!" he yells. Tyler flinches.

 

The boy looks back at Tyler. "Hi. I'm Jordan."

 

"Tyler." Tyler studies Jordan's face. Then, he hears somebody running down the stairs. Josh grins from behind Jordan's back.

 

"Hey, Tyler. Come in."

 

Jordan takes a step back to let Tyler in. He leaves with a short nod in Tyler's direction. Josh pats Tyler's shoulder. He's strong and forces Tyler to bend his knees.

 

A quiet "uuf" escapes Tyler's lips and Josh laughs. "Sorry. Let's go to my room."

 

Josh's room is great. Tyler likes it a lot.

 

Tyler likes Josh a lot. He's always nice to Tyler. He seems interested in the things that Tyler talks about. He pays attention.

 

"Have a seat." Josh says and points at the bed. Tyler sits down and runs his hands over the soft sheets. He looks around. Josh's room is tidy. Tyler is messy, he always drops his clothes where he's stripping and it drives his mom crazy, because she finds Tyler's clothes everywhere.

 

Sometimes she jokes that she doesn't even need to know where Tyler's room is, she just needs to follow the path of socks and hoodies and shirts.

 

Tyler snaps out of his thoughts when Josh claps his hands.

 

"Earth to Tyler."

 

Tyler smiles sheepishly. "Sorry."

 

"Do you want ice cream?" Josh asks.

 

Tyler wants ice cream, of course he does, who doesn't like ice cream?

 

He asks Josh that question and Josh shrugs. "I don't know. Only weird people, I guess."

 

They eat their ice cream and Tyler is happy. There's not a single dark thought in his head.

 

               

 

 

"Why do you never offer me a cigarette?" Tyler asks, just out of curiosity.

 

Josh looks at him. "Do you want to smoke?"

 

Tyler licks his lips. "I want to try it."

 

Josh looks down at the cigarette and the lighter in his hands. When he looks back at Tyler there's almost disappointment and sadness in his eyes. "Don't try it, Tyler. It's a bad habit. It makes you sick, it destroys your body slowly. Do you want to die of lung cancer?"

 

Tyler bites his lip. "You smoke, too. You don't care about it."

 

"I want you to have a long life." Josh says, completely ignoring Tyler's remark. "I don't want you to smoke. I'll stop smoking when you're around." He puts the lighter and cigarette back in his pocket and places his hands in his lap.

 

"I have bad habits, too." Tyler protests weakly.

 

"Doesn't mean you should adopt more. No smoking, Tyler." Josh says simply and Tyler keeps quiet. He never asks Josh again.

 

               

 

 

Josh keeps his promise. He only smokes when Tyler isn't around, but he still smells like gum and cigarettes. Tyler likes it, but he would be happier if Josh stopped smoking completely. He doesn't want Josh to get sick. He cares about him.

 

They watch movies together, hang out, or, sometimes, they go for long walks. They talk a lot, after a few weeks, Tyler opens up and tells Josh more personal things. As a result, he learns a lot about Josh.

 

Tyler feels comfortable around Josh, all his fears and worries seem to get smaller with every minute he spends with him. He never tells his mom that he's friends with Josh Dun, the rebellious kid with the (still) blue hair.

One day Tyler brings up his habit of rearranging the shelf every evening. He says that he can't sleep when he doesn't do it. He wants to tell Josh about all the other things, about checking the stove every evening, about tapping against the window frame, about the fence, but he can't.

 

One bad habit is okay, but more of them? It shows that he's a freak and although Tyler trusts Josh with all his heart, he can't tell him that.

 

Josh just offers Tyler peppermint gum, the one he has been chewing constantly because he can't smoke.

 

"We all have bad habits." Josh says and ruffles Tyler's hair with a grin.

 

               

 

 

Tyler is afraid. He's afraid that, one day, he wakes up and everything was just a dream. Or that something bad happens and that he loses his only friend. His best friend. Because that's what they are, best friends.

 

"What are you afraid of?" Josh asks one day.

 

"I'm afraid of many things. But right now, I'm scared that I'll lose you. You're my friend and you make everything better. I don't want to lose that. I don't want you to leave." Tyler tears up and he turns his head to the side to hide it.

 

"Why do you think I'd leave you?" Josh asks softly.

 

Tyler shrugs. "You'll find someone better one day."

 

Josh looks sad when Tyler says it. "I'll always stay with you, Tyler. You don't have to be afraid. You won't be alone ever again."

 

Tyler wraps his arms around Josh and Josh does the same. "Don't be afraid." Josh whispers.

 

               

 

 

"Where are you going, Tyler?" Kelly asks from the kitchen.

 

Tyler stops in the doorway. "I'm… I'm going for a walk."

 

His mother looks at him and raises an eyebrow. "Again?"

 

Tyler nods. "Yeah…"

 

"Don't lie to me, Tyler." His mother sighs. "I know you're not going for a walk. Where are you going all the time?"

 

Tyler bites his lip. He knows he should tell his mom that he's going to Josh, but he knows she wouldn't approve it.

 

"I'm going to a friend's house." He says finally.

 

"A friend? What's his name?" Kelly asks. She seems happy that Tyler has a friend.

 

Tyler swallows. "Josh. His name is Josh Dun."

 

He expects his mom to yell at him, but he's met with silence. Then, his mom speaks up. "So that's the reason why you smell like a chain smoker."

 

Of course she noticed.

 

"I'm sorry mom, I know you told me not to talk to him, but he's not a bad person. He's really nice to me and we're friends." Tyler says, almost pleadingly. "You don't know him. Josh is one of the kindest people in the world and… he is my only friend. He never judges me like the other kids do."

 

Kelly sighs. "I hope you didn't start smoking because of him, Tyler."

 

Tyler shakes his head. "No. Josh says he knows it's a bad habit and that it makes you sick. He said he didn't want me to get sick so he stopped smoking when I'm around, but I guess the smell's still in his room. Please, just give him a chance. You taught me not to judge people without knowing them, but now you're judging Josh."

 

Kelly rubs her face with her palm. Suddenly, she looks tired. "I don't want to lie, I'm not happy to know that you're around him. And I'm sad that you lied to me, but I guess that's my fault. I'm just worried about you, Tyler."

 

"You don't need to worry about me, mom." Tyler says softly.

 

His mom presses her lips together. "Okay." She says finally. "I trust you. You said you didn't smoke and I believe you. Just bring him over tomorrow, okay?"

 

Tyler beams. "Yeah, will do!"

 

He turns and wants to run to the front door, but his mother calls him back.

 

"Tyler. Just promise… just promise to be careful, okay?"

 

Tyler turns and hugs his mom. He hasn't done it in a long time. "I promise, mom."

 

               

 

 

"My mom wants to see you." Tyler tells Josh as soon as Josh opens the front door.

 

"Finally. I thought you'd never tell her." Josh answers.

 

"What…what do you mean?" Tyler asks and tries to act confused.

 

Josh smirks. "I'm not oblivious, Tyler. It's pretty obvious that you kept our friendship a secret. I didn't want to press you, but I assumed that I wouldn't be welcomed at your place."

 

Tyler blushes. Josh turns and they walk to Josh's room.

 

Josh sits down on the bed, back resting against the wall while Tyler stops in the middle of the room.

 

"I'm sorry." Tyler mumbles quietly. "I should've told you. It wasn't fair."

 

Josh smiles at him. It's an honest smile. "It's not your fault. I know people talk about me. They think I'm doing drugs and that I'm a criminal just because the way that I look."

 

Tyler's face burns in embarrassment because that's exactly what everybody thinks.

 

"Don't worry, Tyler. I get it. But that's not me and I need to prove it, so I'm more than happy to meet your mom." Josh says softly. "And now-" he pats on the bed next to him "switch the tv on and come here."

 

Tyler does, walks to him and sits down, leaning back so he is lying on Josh's warm chest. Josh wraps his arms around Tyler from behind and sighs happily.

 

"Gosh, you're so hot." Tyler whispers.

 

"What?" Josh asks and Tyler can hear the laughter in his voice.

 

"Hot- I mean- warm, I…" Tyler stutters and Josh laughs.

 

Tyler can feel Josh's chest vibrating at his back. "Oh man, Josh, you know what I mean!" Tyler groans.

 

They sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes.

 

"You know, I feel like a boyfriend who gets presented to his boyfriend's parents." Josh says.

 

Tyler rolls his eyes although Josh can't see it.

 

"You're so dramatic. You know I won't quit our friendship just because of my mom." Tyler responds.

 

"Maybe I'm just worried." Josh says quietly.

 

Tyler tenses, he knows Josh is not joking right now. He stands up and turns to face his friend. "Why are you worried?"

 

Josh swallows and his eyes dart to the ground. "I know that people judge me. And… it hurts. I just want to be accepted. I just want the people to like me. I don't want you to keep our friendship a secret forever, Tyler. It hurts to know that I'm not accepted the way that I am. I'm not a bad person, right?" he asks pleadingly.

 

Tyler's heart aches when he sees the pain behind Josh's eyes.

 

"Of course you're not a bad person, Josh." Tyler says and drops on his knees in front of the bed, looking up to his best friend who is sitting on the bed, looking so heartbroken.

 

Josh blinks, his shoulders slump down and Tyler sees that he's trying to hold back the tears. He reaches out and places a hand on Josh's neck and pulls him down softly.

 

The blue-haired boy buries his face in Tyler's shoulder. Tyler runs his hand through Josh's hair while the other cries silently into his shirt.

 

"You're not a bad person." he repeats quietly. "You're not."

 

 

 

 

Josh is shaking visibly when they stand in front of Tyler's house. He tries to hide it, but Tyler notices it anyway. It seems like a big deal to Josh, meeting Tyler's mom.

Before Tyler unlocks the door, he catches Josh's gaze and gives him a reassuring smile. Josh smiles back, but his smile drops as soon as Tyler opens the door.

 

"Mom, I'm home!" he yells.

 

Josh tenses next to him when he hears footsteps. Tyler's mom walks towards them.

 

"Hello Tyler." She smiles at her son before she looks at Josh.

 

The boy seems to shrink under her gaze. Tyler holds his breath until his mom reaches out to grab Josh's hand.

 

"Hi. I'm Kelly, Tyler's mom."

 

Josh shakes her hand and smiles hesitantly. "I'm Josh. It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Joseph."

 

"Nice to meet you, too." Kelly looks Josh up and down for a second, noticing his piercings and the faded blue hair. "Come inside."

 

They step in and Tyler notices how uncomfortable Josh looks. His shoulders are tensed and he looks like he wants to disappear.

 

"We're going to my room, mom." he says and Kelly nods.

"Just call if you need anything." She smiles at Josh and turns to walk to the living room.

 

Josh releases a breath.

 

"See, it wasn't that bad. I'm sure my mom likes you." Tyler says quietly. "She wouldn't smile at you if she didn't like you."

 

Josh grins and it seems like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. "I really hope so." he whispers as he follows Tyler upstairs.

 

               

 

 

Tyler's mom indeed likes Josh. Tyler is glad she gave him a chance and Kelly has to admit, Josh is a nice guy.

 

"I'm happy for you." She says to Tyler. "I was always worried because you didn't have friend. Josh may be a rebel in some ways, but he's nice and I think I can trust him that he won't have a bad influence on you."

 

"He's a respectful rebel." Tyler says with a serious face.

 

His mom chuckles quietly. "Yeah, I guess."

 

Tyler beams. "So he can come over again?"

 

"Of course. He's always welcome."

 

               

 

 

 

There's no Tyler without Josh and the other way round. It's like they're attached to the hip. They always hang out, Josh often stays long at the Joseph's and eats dinner with them, but most of the time, you find them hanging out at Josh's, talking and playing video games.

 

When the weather is good, they go for walks and Tyler is happy. He didn't notice how lonely he had been all the years without a friend. He has so much fun with Josh, it almost seems like they're soulmates.

 

Suddenly, rearranging the shelf and checking the stove is not the most important thing in his life anymore. Of course he does it every day, but when he placed the last CD on the shelf, he can go to Josh's house and he can't wait for it.

 

Tyler's mother barely sees her son, but she isn't worried about it. She knows the two boys do a lot of stupid stuff, but she knows Josh is responsible enough to know when it is enough or an idea is just too crazy.

 

                

 

 

It's 10.30 pm when Tyler's phone lights up. Tyler grabs it with one hand while he is watching a movie on his laptop. He pauses the movie when he looks at the screen.

 

It's Josh. Of course it is Josh.

 

_Jish: hey ty ty, time for taco bell_

Tyler grins. Josh is the only one who would go to Taco Bell this late. Another notification shows him that he has received another text.

 

_Jish: Get ready, I'll be there in a few. foods on me_

_To Jish: lemme ask my parents first_

_Jish: 2 late, on my way ;)_

_To Jish: ugh lemme sleep 'm tired_

_Jish: You can sleep later. and bring a blanket_

_To Jish: ???_

Tyler sighs and stands up. He decides to change into his hoodie, he doesn't know what Josh has planned and he is better safe than sorry. It is September and already cold outside, probably about 55°. Tyler doesn't want to catch a cold.

 

He grabs his backpack, shoves a blanket inside and hurries to get down the stairs. His parents are watching tv in the living room. Tyler peeks inside and debates whether to sneak out or not. His parents think he is already sleeping and they probably wouldn't want Tyler to go out so late. Tyler promises himself not to stay away too long and glances at his phone.

 

_Jish: Im outside. You ready?_

_To Jish: Give me a sec_

Tyler takes a deep breath and sneaks to the front door as quietly as possible. He opens the door agonizingly slowly and sighs in relief when he is finally outside. He sees Josh's beat-up car standing in front of his house. Tyler runs across the garden and jumps in.

 

Josh smiles at him. "Dude, did you just sneak out?"

 

Tyler nods, still a little breathless.

 

Josh shakes his head in amusement. "You know you have to do it with style. Not through the front door, that's lame."

 

Tyler groans. "You could've told me a little earlier that you planned something, then I could've asked my parents."

 

"I see, I'm a bad influence." Josh sighs dramatically. "I quit our friendship, I can't be responsible for the fact that you'll get kicked out by your parents for sneaking out and going to Taco Bell in the middle of the night."

 

Tyler chuckles quietly. Josh gives him a smile from the side when he starts the engine.

 

"Why do we need a blanket?" Tyler asks.

 

Josh shrugs, eyes fixed on the road. "I just thought we could eat on the roof of the car."

 

"On the roof? Of the car?" Tyler stares at Josh.

 

The blue-haired boy rolls his eyes. "I don't expect you to swim across the Atlantic Ocean. We'll be back in one or two hours. Just trust me, okay?"

 

Tyler looks out of the window. Lights are rushing by them. "Okay."

 

Soon, they reach the parking lot of the fast food restaurant. Josh parks his car and they get out.

 

"You need to go out more. I promise, it is way more fun than sitting at home." Josh grabs Tyler's shoulder and pulls him close so their hips bump together. "I hope you have as much fun as I have."

 

"I do." Tyler says with a grin.

 

They enter the restaurant and walk to the counter, where a tired-looking girl is standing and waiting to take their order.

 

"What do you want? Like I said, food's on me. You can take anything you want or we can take a few things and share." Josh suggests.

 

"I can pay for my food. You don't have to do that." Tyler protests.

 

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm going to pay for it." Josh insists.

 

Tyler knows, he won't win a fight with Josh. He tells the girl what he wants to order and Josh pays for their food. A few minutes later, they walk out, boxes of food in their hands. Josh places the food on the roof of the car and unlocks it.

 

"I think we should eat somewhere else." Josh suggests. "Are you okay with that?"

 

Tyler nods and they get in, Tyler placing his food on the backseat. Josh wants to turn the ignition, when Tyler yells "Josh! You forgot the food on the roof!"

 

Josh stops and starts laughing. "Shoot, you're right." He gets out and hands Tyler the rest of the food. Tyler stacks it neatly on the backseat next to the other boxes.

 

"Imagine me driving away and later wondering where the food went." Josh grins.

 

"I thought about not telling you just to see your face when you realize you lost it on the way." Tyler is wheezing and Josh joins his laughter.

 

It is really not that funny, but they just can't stop laughing. Several minutes later, Tyler wipes the tears away that leaked from his eyes because of laughing too hard.

 

"Ouch. My stomach hurts." Josh whispers, trying to catch his breath.

 

After they calmed down completely, Josh drives to a place where it is less traffic and less lights. He parks the car and they climb on the roof, blankets and food in their hands. Josh places one blanket on the roof and they sit down, wrapping the second one around their shoulders. They have to sit close because they have to share the blanket, but Tyler doesn't mind and Josh doesn't seem to mind either.

 

They shove the food into their mouths quickly, too hungry to speak. After they finished, Tyler feels full and happy. He's not cold yet, the blanket and the heat radiating from Josh's body is enough to keep him warm.

 

"Wanna lie down?" Josh asks. "We can watch the stars."

 

Tyler agrees and they put the trash away before they lie down on the roof of the car, blanket wrapped around them and gazing stars.

 

"It's beautiful." Tyler whispers.

 

"I know." Josh's voice is low. "I would be better outside the city, though."

 

"I think it's perfect." Tyler says quietly. He turns his head to face Josh. His friend does the same and for a moment, they just look at each other in the darkness. Tyler can only see the outlines of Josh's face and the reflecting light in his eyes. He can hear cars passing them a few streets away.

 

The moment is gone as soon as Tyler has to cough. He sits up and rubs his chest. Josh sits up, too, and places a comforting hand on his back.

 

"Crap, Tyler, are you alright?" he sounds worried.

 

Tyler nods. "Yeah, I'm fine."

 

"We should get home. I don't want you to get sick." Josh slides down from the roof. "It's late anyway."

 

He helps Tyler to climb down and Josh drives Tyler home. He stops in front of Tyler's house and looks at his friend. "See you in school tomorrow?"

 

Tyler nods. He grabs his backpack and opens the car door. Then, he turns his head. "Thanks, Josh. For the food and stuff. It was fun."

 

Josh grins. "I'm glad you liked it."

 

Tyler nods at him and shuts the car door. Josh waves at him and speeds off. Tyler sighs and walks back to his house, where he unlocks the door, checks the stove and goes to his room. He strips to his boxers and falls asleep on his bed before he can get up again and brush his teeth.

 

He dreams of stars and cars and Josh being by his side the entire time.

 

               

 

 

 

When Tyler wakes up the next day, his throat feels scratchy, his nose is running and his chest is hurting every time he takes a deep breath. He sits up, but his eyes are watering and his view is blurry and unfocused. Tyler choughs loudly. His head hurts.

 

He has a cold, probably from sitting outside in the cold for too long. He feels miserable.

 

Tyler's mom finds her son in bed, coughing and gasping for breath.

 

"Tyler, what's wrong? Are you sick?" she asks worried.

 

Tyler nods and has to sneeze. The sudden movement hurts and tears start streaming down his face. His mother pets his head and disappears. She returns with a cup of tea and a box of tissues.

 

"You don't have to go to school today." Kelly says softly and helps Tyler take a few sips of the tea.

 

"Thank you." Tyler whispers hoarsely.

 

His mom smiles. Suddenly, Tyler feels like a five year old again. It's feels good to be taken care of.

 

Tyler falls asleep as soon as his mom leaves the room. He sleeps deeply and wakes up a few hours later. His phone is buzzing next to him. Tyler grabs it and tries to focus his watering eyes.

 

_Jish: tyler, are u late?_

_Jish: where r u?_

_Jish: are you sick?_

_Jish: dude, im worried_

_Jish: text me asap, pls_

Tyler bites his lip. He forgot to tell Josh that he's sick.

 

_To Jish: sorry, I forgot to text you. Im sick_

Immediately, Tyler's phone buzzes again.

 

 _Jish: oh crap  :((_ _, I'll come over after school_

Tyler places his phone next to him and closes his eyes. He dozes off quickly and is still dead asleep when Josh enters his room two hours later.

 

               

 

 

 

Tyler opens his eyes and yawns. He looks around and gasps when he notices Josh on a chair next to him. His friend is on his phone, but when he hears Tyler's gasp, he looks up.

 

"Hi." He grins.

 

"Hey." Tyler whispers back and squeezes his eyes shut when he feels a sting in his lungs.

 

"Are you okay?" Josh asks and rushes to his side.

 

Tyler swallows and nods. He opens his eyes and sighs carefully. Josh smiles at him, but the worry in his eyes is obvious.

 

"I'm sorry. It's all my fault, I shouldn't have taken you out yesterday night. It was stupid, I-" Josh rambles, but Tyler interrupts him.

 

"Shut up, Josh. Shut up. It's not your fault, okay?" Tyler grabs Josh's hands and squeezes them.

 

Josh bites his lip. Tyler thinks it looks adorable. Josh's hands are soft and Tyler wishes they could stay like this forever but then Josh withdraws his hands and runs them through his hair.

 

"Okay. But still I'm sorry."

 

Tyler shakes his head to get rid of these odd thoughts in his head. Josh is his friend. Best friend.

 

"Tell me about school." he says instead. He lies down and closes his eyes, listening to Josh's soothing voice telling him how boring school was without Tyler. Although Tyler feels like shit, this moment is peaceful and Tyler is glad Josh is here. Because Josh makes everything easier.

 

               

 

 

 

"We should hang out with the others some time." Josh suggests while he stares at the screen, trying to beat Tyler in Mario Kart.

 

"The others?" Tyler asks and grins when he wins. Again.

 

Josh sighs and rubs his eyes. They have played far too long. He places the controller beside him. "Yeah, with my other friends."

 

Tyler stares at the screen where his character is driving through the arena, waving. He's jealous and he knows it's wrong because Josh spends almost his entire life with Tyler, beside school and the night.

 

He feels Josh watching him and he knows Josh knows what he's thinking. "Just one day, Tyler, please." He says and Tyler nods.

 

He isn't looking forward to it.

 

               

 

 

 

The day with Josh's friends is okay. They hang out at one of his friends' house, ordering pizza and watching tv. Tyler gets along with them, but he talks less. Josh notices it and is always by his side. He knows it is no fun to be the outsider so he does his best to include Tyler. And it works.

 

By the end of the day, Tyler is smiling more and even having a conversation with one guy without Josh. But, still Tyler has to admit that he prefers having Josh on his own.

 

Josh seems happy too. He is glad that Tyler tries not to be jealous and gets along with the other pretty well. He likes Tyler and he's happy to be his best friend, but he knows it's better for Tyler to get to know some other people as well.

 

When they leave and Josh drives Tyler home, he suggests to have a sleepover some time. Tyler agrees happily.

 

               

 

 

 

"You know, when I dye my hair in a different color, you can choose the color." Josh suggests.

 

Tyler furrows his brows. "Are you sure? I mean, it's your hair, not mine."

 

Josh grins. "Yes, I'm sure."

 

Tyler feels special. "Thank you." He mumbles.

 

 _Red._ He thinks. _I like red. I think it'd suit Josh._

 

               

 

 

 

"I want to show you something." Tyler says. Josh nods shortly and takes another handful of gummy bears from the bowl of the desk to shove it into his mouth.

 

Tyler stands up and grabs his ukulele. He takes place on the floor, while Josh is sitting on the chair at his desk.

 

Suddenly, Tyler is nervous. He never showed Josh his own songs. Sure, he had played a few covers for him, but never his own stuff.

 

"I wrote this song." Tyler says and clears his throat.

 

Josh swallows and looks at him attentively.

 

Tyler starts to play and after the intro, he starts to sing. Quietly, but loud enough for Josh to hear it. Not once he looks up, he keeps his eyes lowered to the floor. It's a sad song, very personal.

 

His voice trails off at the end of the song.

 

"That was…" Josh's voice breaks.

 

Tyler looks up and for a second he think Josh might start to cry, but the elder leans back in his chair and rubs his neck.

 

"That was wonderful, Tyler." He places his hands on his knees, like he doesn't know what to do with them.

 

Suddenly, Tyler feels the urge to take Josh's hands into his own. He wants to hold hands with him, to stroke his thumb over the soft palm of Josh's hand. He wants to press soft kisses on his knuckles, but he doesn't. He just stares at Josh's hands like a creep.

 

Josh stand up. "You're very talented." He glances at the watch. "I should go now, it's late and we have school tomorrow."

 

And then he's gone.

 

               

 

 

 

They have the sleepover at Josh's at the weekend. Tyler parents agree with him sleeping at his friend's house, as long as they don't drink or stay awake too long.

 

Tyler is really excited. He shows up early at Josh's house, snacks, backpack and sleeping bag in his hands.

 

"A sleeping bag? Isn't that a bit uncomfortable?" Josh asks with a smile, showing his white teeth.

Tyler shrugs and places his sleeping bag on the floor next to Josh's bed. Josh hands him a pillow.

 

"Wanna watch a movie?" Josh asks. Tyler agrees and they decide to watch Marvel's the Avengers, although both of them have watched it already multiple times. They still enjoy it. After it, they eat dinner with Josh's family.

 

Tyler likes Momma Dun, she's very nice to Tyler and tells him constantly to eat more, because Tyler's skinny. It doesn't matter how much he eats, he just stays skinny. But Mrs. Dun's food is delicious, so he eats as much as he can.

 

They have planned to play some more Mario Kart, but somehow they end up sitting in Josh's room, talking. Talking about their fears, their dreams and their future. Tyler is trying to get a basketball scholarship, but he wants to be a musician when he has finished school. Josh says he doesn't want to go to college. He doesn't like school, so for him, there's no need to go to college.

 

He doesn't know what to do after school, but he doesn't worry about it.

 

It's the most personal conversation they ever had and Tyler feels like he gets to know Josh more and more. He can't imagine a life without his best friend and he just hopes they'll stay friends for a long time.

 

It's after midnight when they decide to go to bed, eyes falling shut giving them no other choice. Josh lies down in his bed, while Tyler sleeps on the floor.

 

They switch the light off, but somehow, Tyler can't sleep. Something's keeping him awake. He stares into nothing than black darkness until he hears Josh whisper.

 

"Tyler? Are you awake?"

 

"Yeah." Tyler whispers back.

 

"Aren't you cold?" Josh asks quietly. "It's probably uncomfortable on the floor, isn't it?"

 

"It's okay." Tyler yawns, sleep taking over. "Goodnight, Josh."

 

"Goodnight."

 

Tyler falls asleep, but his mind is running wild, his mind producing weird dreams. Something's wrong.

 

Tyler dreams that he wakes up in Josh's room. He can smell smoke and there's fire everywhere. He yells Josh's name but his friend is gone.

 

Just when the flames circle Tyler he wakes up, his heart racing. He listens, the entire house is quiet, Josh's soft breathing next to him is the only noise cutting through the silence.

 

Tyler takes a few deep breaths. Why did he wake up?

 

He blinks and a shiver, like ice water, runs down his spine when he realizes that he hasn't checked the stove. He tries to convince that he's not at home, he's safe, but his heart is pounding in his chest and Tyler knows he can't fall asleep again. He has to check the stove.

 

Slowly, he gets up, trying to be quiet and not to wake Josh. He has barely reached the door when he hears Josh shifting.

 

"Tyler? What are you doing?"

 

Tyler turns and looks at the corner in the darkness where Josh's voice came from. "I… I have to check the stove."

 

"The… the stove?" Josh asks in confusion. He sounds more awake now.

 

Tyler swallows. "Yeah… I can't sleep… I need to make sure that it is turned off."

 

He hears more shifting, then quiet footsteps and suddenly, Josh's hand bumps against Tyler hip.

 

"Let's go downstairs together, okay?" Josh whispers and his breath tickles Tyler's face. Tyler nods and grabs Josh's hand.

 

They walk downstairs in the dark together, Josh leading Tyler to the kitchen. Josh switches the smallest light on and points at the stove. Tyler looks at it, runs his hands over the buttons and nods.

 

"Okay. Okay. I… I guess I can sleep now."

 

"Alright." Josh turns the light off and they feel their way back to Josh's room.

 

"It's cold." Josh says and leads Tyler to his bed. "It's warmer in my bed."

 

"You don't mind me sleeping next to you?" Tyler asks.

 

"Of course not." Josh says simply.

 

They lie down next to each other, a safe distance between them, but still, Josh's warmth and breathing next to is enough to lull Tyler back into sleep. The last thing he notices is, that Josh didn't ask why Tyler had to check the stove. He simply accepted it. He didn't make fun of it.

 

Maybe, Tyler loves Josh a little bit.

 

               

 

 

 

They wake up the next day, sunlight tickling them awake from where the blinds are not fully closed. Tyler opens his eyes and finds himself facing Josh. Their faces are separated by only a few inches.

 

Josh wakes up slowly, nose scrunching and blinking, taking a deep breath before opening his eyes completely. Tyler watches him when Josh tilts his head to stretch his neck and then, with a sigh returns to his original position.

 

Tyler studies Josh's face, he soaks in every freckle he sees, the way his brown eyes look still heavy from sleep, the way his lip twitches when he sees Tyler looking at him. And only a few seconds later, Tyler sees the smile that he loves so much.

 

"Morning, Tyler." Josh's voice is still raspy from sleep.

 

"Morning." Tyler whispers back.

 

He wants to kiss Josh. He wants it so bad.

 

They look at each other for a few seconds. Tyler stares at Josh's lips. He wants to see what they feel like, he wants to get closer, closer, closer.

 

He moves slowly towards Josh's face, giving him the opportunity to turn his head, but Josh just looks at him.

 

Tyler moves closer and closer. He can almost feel Josh's lips against his own, their lips brush when the door bursts open.

 

"Breakfast's ready!" Jordan yells. "Get up, losers!"

 

Josh flinches and props himself up on his elbows to look at the door. Tyler likes Jordan, he really does, but he just wants to strangle him right now.

 

"Jordan!" Josh growls and his brother laughs and runs downstairs.

 

They get up and get dressed silently, none of them talking about the almost-kiss. They are quiet at breakfast and don't know how to act around each other.

 

Josh seems glad when Tyler says goodbye and goes home. He waves goodbye, but they don't hug each other. "See you in school." Josh says.

 

Tyler nods. "See you in school."

 

               

 

 

 

They don't talk about it. They don't try to kiss again. They try to forget about it.

 

After a few days, the awkwardness between them disappears, the joking comes back and they're bros again. Nothing more. Just close but not-too-close friends.

 

They hang out a lot, but no more sleepovers. They go to Taco Bell, to the movies, play video games. Just like before.

 

Tyler's hear aches every time he sees Josh.

 

 

 

 

 

It's December and today's Tyler's birthday. He's excited. He invited Josh over after all his relatives visited him.

 

Josh already wished him a happy birthday in school and pulled him into a so-called bro hug with a bright smile. "I have a present for you, but I'll give it to you later, okay?"

 

Tyler agreed and now that all his relatives went home, he's texting Josh to come over.

 

Josh is at the door a few minutes later.

 

"Happy birthday, Tyler."

 

"You already wished me happy birthday." Tyler smiles.

 

Josh runs his hand through his hair and stares at the wall right next to Tyler. "I forgot. Sorry."

 

"It's okay." Tyler says, not knowing how to respond to that. "Let's go to my room."

 

They walk upstairs to Tyler's room and sit down.

 

Josh hands Tyler his present, wrapped in red paper. He's quiet and his eyes look sad.

 

Tyler blinks. Josh is okay, his mind is probably playing tricks on him. Tyler unwraps his present. It's a sketchbook with a beautiful cover.

 

"For your lyrics and poems." Josh says. There's no emotion in his voice.

 

Tyler beams, trying to cover the tension he feels between them. "Thank you, Josh!" he hugs his friend tightly, but freezes when he hears a sob. Josh is clutching Tyler's pullover and he's crying.

 

"What's wrong?" Tyler asks in fear. Josh never cries. Never. Tyler's afraid of what Josh is going to say. "Why are crying? Josh…?"

 

Josh continues to sob. Tyler rubs his back in an attempt to calm him down, but it doesn't work. Josh is shaking in his arms, drenching Tyler's shirt with his tears. When he finally looks up and faces Tyler, his eyes are red and tears are rolling down his cheeks. Tyler has never seen Josh crying before and it scares him. Fear grows in his chest, cold and dark, crawling through his veins, making him shiver.

 

Tyler can't move. He can't speak.

 

Josh clears his throat.

 

"I'm m-moving, Tyler." He says shakily. "I'm moving. To LA. One month and I'm gone."

 

Tyler can't breathe.

 

 

 

 

**Don't forget about me**

 

Josh is right. Tyler visits Josh a few times. At first, everything stays the same, but then, Josh's stuff disappears slowly, packed neatly into boxes, waiting to get driven to LA. The room looks empty and uncomfortable without the posters, video games and the other things, still Tyler and Josh never talk about it. They act like nothing's happening, they ignore the fact that, in a few weeks, Josh will be in LA and Tyler will be left alone in Columbus. They act happy, but the fun is gone.

 

Tyler thought about kissing Josh, a real kiss, but after the bad news on his birthday, he decided not to. This is not going to end well. A long-distance relationship? Maybe it would work if they would have had more time than a few weeks, time to be a real couple, but not now. It's too late to build up something strong enough to last. So the days go by and every day Tyler wakes up and stares at the ceiling. Twenty days left. Ten. Five.

 

Three. Two. One.

 

Then, people appear and carry beds, closets and other furniture into a white moving truck. And Tyler is counting down the hours until Josh leaves. He's sitting in front of Josh's house, fighting back the tears. Josh carries the last box into the truck and stops next to Tyler. Tyler stands up, shakily.

 

They look at each other for a few seconds and then Josh pulls Tyler into a hug. "I'm going to miss you." Josh says. "Heck, I'm already missing you!"

 

Tyler buries his face in Josh's hoodie. "Don't go. Please." He begs shakily.

 

Josh sighs. "I'm sorry." He rubs his hands over Tyler's back.

 

Tyler grits his teeth. Don't cry. Don't cry.

 

"I will text you. We can write Emails, you know? And skype." Josh tries to reassure him. It doesn't work.

 

"It won't be the same." Tyler cries silently. "You promised. You said I'd never be alone again."

 

"Oh Tyler." Josh's voice is shakily. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. But you won't be alone. You can hang out with our friends."

 

"Your friends." Tyler sobs.

 

"Don't make this harder than it already is." Josh says and he sounds almost angry. "You can't be sad now, okay? You have to talk to the others, make new friends. Don't sit in the library at lunch. Go out, meet people, have fun."

 

Tyler keeps silent. Josh presses a kiss on Tyler's hair and Tyler thinks this is the closest Josh and he will ever get.

 

"Live your life, Tyler. I'm really not that important." Josh whispers and then he withdraws. Tyler clings to him, doesn't want to let him go, but Josh grabs his wrists and forces him to let go.

 

"Don't forget about me, Tyler." he says, squeezes Tyler's hands shortly and walks to his car without looking back. Tyler watches him getting in, teary-eyed, shaking, but Josh seems collected, he doesn't look back when he follows the truck and drives off.

 

 _Don't go. Please, don't leave me!_ Tyler mouths, but Josh doesn't see it.

 

Tyler is left alone on the sidewalk, in front of the empty house with an empty heart.

 

               

 

 

 

Tyler walks home. He's cold, so cold, although it is pretty warm outside, considering that it is December. Today's New Year's Eve. Tyler shoves his hands into the pockets of his jacket. His teeth are chattering and tears are streaming down his face.

 

He walks straight home. His mom looks up when he enters the kitchen and she wants to pull him into a hug, wants to comfort him, but Tyler ignores her and runs upstairs. He slams the door, crawls on his bed and hides under the covers.

 

He thinks about Josh and it hurts. It hurts so much, it takes Tyler's breath away. He needs Josh. He needs him. How is he going to spend his lunch break in school? What is he supposed to do with all the free time he spent with Josh? No more hanging out, no more watching movies together, no more going to Taco Bell.

 

Tyler's life seems grey without him, all the color is gone. He just wants to hide in his room forever and forget everything.

 

 _Come back._ Tyler whispers. _I need you._

 

Tyler cries and cries. He stays in bed the entire day.

 

His mom knocks at his door a few hours later. She enters and sits down on the edge of Tyler's bed. She pets his hair and sighs.

 

"I know it's hard, Tyler. Josh was your best friend-"

 

"Is. He is my best friend." Tyler interrupts her.

 

She nods. "…is your best friend. But you need to focus on other things. You had a great time with him. I'm not saying you should forget him, but maybe, it is good to make other friends now. He isn't coming back anytime soon. I know you're sad, but you should get up and at least eat something, okay?"

 

Tyler shakes his head. He's not hungry.

 

"Do you want to celebrate New Year's Eve with us?" she asks. "We're making fondue."

 

Tyler shakes his head again and turns to face the wall. His mother sighs. "Please, Tyler, get up."

 

Tyler ignores her and after a few minutes, his mom stands up and leaves the room, shutting the door quietly behind her.

 

               

 

 

Tyler thinks a lot about Josh. He thinks about him when he looks in the mirror, when he goes for a walk, when he eats dinner, when he sits in his room and tries to play the ukulele.

 

He sits on the carpet, legs crossed, the instrument resting in his lap. Tyler runs his fingers over the strings, the shining wood. He plays a few chords, but he doesn't enjoy it. He hums a melody, but he doesn't _feel_ the music.

 

Tyler spaces out, he stares at the wall and thinks about Josh.

 

What is he doing right now? Unpacking his stuff from the boxes? Pining the posters on the new walls?

 

Tyler pictures Josh staring out of the window of his new room, running his hand through his blue hair and maybe, maybe he's thinking about Tyler right now. Tyler hopes so.

 

He misses Josh so much.

 

Tyler blinks and stands up, placing his ukulele carefully on his bed. He has to stop thinking about Josh. He won't come back. It's better to move on. He has to distract himself.

 

But no matter how hard Tyler tries, his thoughts always drift to the blue-haired boy.

 

               

 

 

 

 

Tyler doesn't want to go to school. He feels nauseous when he wakes up and he thinks he might vomit before he even reaches school.

 

He doesn't know he survives school without Josh, but somehow he does and then it's lunch break.

 

Tyler enters the cafeteria and sees Josh's friends sitting at a table. He takes a deep breath and walks over to the table. There's a seat left.

 

"Hi." Tyler says and interrupts their conversation.

 

They glance at him, a boy nods shortly and Tyler sits down. They continue talking about a few people Tyler doesn't know and ignore him.

 

Tyler eats lunch without speaking. He feels simply out of place. He doesn't belong here. He wishes he was in the library. He'd feel safe there.

 

He has to face it: these people at the table are Josh's friends, but they don't even miss him. They are not Tyler's friends.

 

Tyler's glad when lunch break is over and he can head to the next period.

 

               

 

 

 

Almost a week since Josh left Columbus. Tyler assumes Josh is busy, because Josh hasn't E-mailed him yet.

 

Tyler checks his account every day. He thought about writing Josh but he doesn't know what to write.

 

I miss you? You promised to write me as soon as you reach LA?

 

Today Tyler is lucky. He feels excitement pump through his veins as he clicks on the Email.

 

_Salutations Tyler,_

_Sorry for not writing you sooner. I'm pretty busy. LA is wonderful, I love the sun and the good weather. The sea is great, too._

_I never noticed how much I missed the sunlight until I moved to LA. I'm sure you'd miss the cold weather and the cold and the forest. Maybe you can visit me someday? I hope so._

_I made a new friend at school. His name is Brendon and he's pretty cool. I think he has ADHD or something, this guy has so much energy it amazes me. He swears a lot, in every single sentence, but it doesn't make me uncomfortable. I'm sure you'd like him._

_We hang out after school and he showed me LA. He's also playing a few instruments and he promised me to teach me how to play the drums. I'm so excited, that something I always wanted to do! I think there's enough space in our new home for a drum kit, maybe I can convince my parents to buy me one._

_Everything's better than I imagined. I barely miss Columbus. It sucks that you're so far away, but we can't change it. I'm already in love with California. Everything seems easier here._

_I hope you're doing well, too._

_Josh_

Tyler isn't sure what he expected. Definitely not this. Josh seems happy in LA. He doesn't miss Tyler.

 

Tyler blinks. There are tears in his eyes. He needs Josh. But Josh doesn't need him.

 

It hurts. Tyler closes the web browser without replying to Josh's Email. He doesn't know what to write anyway.

 

_I miss you, come back, please, I can't do this without you._

 

That's ridiculous. Tyler is not weak. He doesn't need Josh. They were friends, sure, but he can make it perfectly on his own.

 

But he knows he can't. He needs Josh.

 

               

 

 

 

He does reply, after a long day of thinking. Tyler bites his lip when he starts to write the Email.

 

_Hi Josh,_

_I really miss you, but I'm glad you like LA. Today was boring, as always. It was better with you here. But don't worry about me, I'm fine._

_You're right, I probably wouldn't like it in California. Too hot, too sunny._

_Maybe we can skype soon? I want to see you._

_Tyler_

He clicks on the send button and sighs. He feels bad for acting like a love-sick teenager. He's not love-sick, he simply misses his best friend.

 

Best friend. Best friend. ~~Almost boyfriend.~~

Tyler decides to go for a walk. It's so cold outside that he can see his breath as steam in the air. His lungs feel like they consist of ice whenever he takes a breath. Tyler walks to Josh's house. He knows it is already sold, but the new owners didn't move in yet.

 

Tyler stops in front of the house, looking up to the window where Josh's room used to be. He recalls all the time they sat inside, talking and playing video games. Now Tyler needs a new person to play games with.

 

Tears sting in his eyes and he turns to walk home. A single tears drips down on his cheek and rolls down to his chin, leaving a freezing path behind. Tyler wipes the tear away. He should stop crying. It's pathetic.

 

At home, Tyler knocks at Zack's door. His brother opens the door, surprised because Tyler never shows up at his room.

 

"Do you want to play Mario Kart with me?" Tyler asks.

 

"Uh…" Zack hesitates. "Okay."

 

He follows Tyler to his room and they sit down on the floor, grabbing the controllers and start gaming. Zack is good, but Tyler is better. He wins every single time, but he doesn't feel the same joy he felt when he played with Josh.

 

Zack seems to notice it, because he places the controller on the floor and stands up. "Sorry, bro. I'm not Josh and I have some homework to do anyway."

 

Tyler nods, feeling guilty because Zack knows exactly what he thinks. "Okay." he whispers.

 

Zack sighs. "I know you miss him… but he's not the only guy in the world, try to make new friends."

 

"That's funny, Josh said the same thing." Tyler mumbles quietly.

 

"Well, he's right." Zack says and leaves the room.

 

Tyler leans back until he loses his balance and he lays on the floor. He looks up to the ceiling. Why did he do to deserve this?

 

               

 

 

 

Josh replies to his Email quickly and they decide to skype. Tyler can't wait to see his friend again, even if it is only on the screen.

 

However, his good mood disappears as soon as he sees Josh.

 

Josh is red, sunburn all over his face. His eyes sparkle and he smiles brightly. He's happy.

 

And Tyler is not.

 

"Dude, you look… red." Tyler says.

 

Josh laughs. "Yeah, I stayed in the sun for too long. You'll see, one day I'm as tan as you."

"No way." Tyler shakes his head. "I'm part Lebanese and you're part Asian. You're always pale, no matter how often you go outside."

 

"That's not true." Josh pouts.

 

"It is." Tyler states simply.

 

"Are you still sad?" Josh asks, watching Tyler attentively.

 

Tyler shrugs. "Yeah, but I'll get used to it. Find some new friends, party."

 

"Party? You want to party?" Josh asks in surprise.

 

"Yeah, why not?" Tyler lies.

 

"I went to a party last week. It was much fun, they had lots of alcohol and everybody was drunk and dancing. There were a few cute girls, too."

 

Tyler thinks somebody is stabbing his heart with a knife. But he's not in love with Josh. He's happy for him, maybe his friend finds a cute girlfriend?

 

"Did you drink, too?" Tyler asks.

 

"Only a little bit." Josh explain. "Maybe I was a little bit tipsy. I can't believe I missed all the fun in Columbus."

 

It feels like it's a completely different Josh on the screen.

 

"We had fun, too. Even without partying."

 

Josh nods. "That's right. We had a lot of fun. Nothing too crazy. I think Brendon is gonna get me in trouble soon."

 

"Be careful." Tyler responds, ignoring Josh's remark about the other boy. "LA is dangerous."

 

"Columbus can be too."

 

"I miss you." Tyler runs his hand over his desk, not looking at Josh.

 

"I miss you too." Josh whispers. Tyler looks up and he thinks Josh eyes shine a little too much, but it might be only in his mind.

 

"Do you still rearrange the shelf every day?" Josh asks.

 

Tyler nods, blushing. "Every day."

 

Josh smiles. He doesn't know that Tyler starts to adopt more bad habits. Counting to thirty before he starts to brush his teeth. Tapping his chin with right index finger when he coughed. Josh doesn't need to know.

 

               

 

 

 

The library is Tyler's favorite place again. He can relax between the bookshelves, it's like a big cave. It's his safe place.

 

Tyler reads a lot in the library, but sometimes he makes the mistake to read a sad book and then he cries silently, wiping his tears away and hoping nobody sees him.

 

He wishes Josh would be here to hold him, but he's all alone.

 

Josh's friends don't care about him. Nobody does.

 

Sometimes Tyler thinks that his heart is broken, because the only thing he can feel is sadness. He hopes it gets better with the time, but he still feels a sting in his chest when he thinks about Josh.

 

Tyler withdraws from everybody, he ignores his family, days go by without him speaking a single word and he doesn't feel the urge to speak again.

 

Maybe he's mute. Josh took all the words with him.

 

               

 

 

Weeks go by and Tyler and Josh continue to stay in contact through email and skype. It feels like he lives in a personal fog that surrounds him, making it hard for him to connect with his environment.

 

He wants to break through it, wants to live his life normally again, but he would need too much strength to fight through the fog.

 

Tyler tries to convince himself that everything is going to be normal again someday, but it is hard to believe when he wakes up and the first thing he thinks is how much he's missing Josh.

 

His room is Tyler's cave, his safe place. He doesn't need to fake strength in his room, he can stretch his tensed shoulders and sing about his sadness until he feels tired and empty.

 

Tyler writes a lot during his free time. He always spent his free time with Josh and now he doesn't know what to do. All he wants to do is to sleep.

 

He's always tired, even the simplest actions are exhausting for him and it doesn't get any better.

 

It just doesn't get any better.

 

               

 

 

 

Tyler can't wait to skype with Josh again. He misses the long talks they used to have. Tyler runs home, rushes to his room and pushes the power button of his laptop.

 

He waits impatiently and finally, finally he can see Josh's face on the screen.

 

And Josh's hair is pink.

 

Tyler stares at the screen in disbelief. "Your hair…" he says slowly.

 

Josh turns his head to the side. "Do you like it? I decided to dye it in a different color, I was getting sick of blue. Brendon suggested pink. He likes it a lot."

 

Tyler swallows. "Yeah, it looks nice."

 

It looks good, but feels like Josh betrayed him. He promised that Tyler could choose the color. And now he listened to his new friend, Brendon.

 

Tyler can feel his heart clenching.

 

Josh grins. "I knew you'd like it. Brendon and I had a long discussion about it. I said it should be green, but he thought pink would be cooler. We even asked a few people at school what they think about it."

 

 _But you didn't ask your best friend._ Tyler thinks and grits his teeth, faking a smile.

 

"School's cool. I'm pretty popular." Josh laughs quietly. "Mostly because Brendon is popular and friends with everybody. We always sit at the same table at lunch. He has a bunch of other friends that sit with us. You should see him, he's always so loud and he swears all the time, but he's one of the nicest guys I ever met."

 

"That's great." Tyler says and stares at the screen. "I'm glad you made new friends."

 

_That's a lie. I'm selfish. I don't want you to have friends. I want you to miss me._

"Yeah, it makes everything a lot easier. We hang out a lot after school. How are you?"

 

Tyler taps his finger nervously against his palm. "I'm… fine."

 

Josh leans closer to the screen. "Did you make new friends or are you still hanging out with the others?"

 

"With the others. We, uh, eat lunch together. They're nice."

 

Another lie.

 

Josh seems relieved. "That's great. I thought you'd withdraw from everybody and hide in the library again."

 

"Like a loser." Tyler says and laughs too loud.

 

Josh chuckles. It's not even funny. Tyler hears a melody, signalizing an incoming message. Josh picks his phone up and reads the message.

 

"Well, I gotta go." he waves at Tyler. "Brendon's waiting for me outside."

 

"Bye. Have fun." Tyler whispers. Josh grins and closes his laptop. Tyler stares at the black screen. Josh is not his anymore.

 

               

 

 

"Tyler!" Mr. Edison yells when Tyler wants to cross the road. Tyler looks up and Mr. Edison beckons him.

 

Tyler walks to Mr. Edison and stops next to the fence, resting his hands on it. The wood under his hands is wet and cold. Cold like everything else.

 

Sometimes Tyler wishes it was summer. Just to have more light, not only grey clouds, rain and snow. That kind of snow that melts and leaves wet roads and brown puddles everywhere.

 

"I don't like the weather." Mr. Edison says.

 

Tyler nods.

 

"Where's your friend?" Mr. Edison asks. "The one with the blue hair."

 

Tyler presses his lips to a thin line. "He moved to LA."

 

"Oh." Mr. Edison scratches his head. "I didn't know that." He looks at Tyler. "I'm sorry, kid. You probably miss him."

 

"I do." Tyler says quietly. "He has pink hair now."

 

"Pink?" Mr. Edison looks at the grey sky. "I'm sure it suits him."

 

"It does."

 

The old man clears his throat. "Well, have a nice day, Tyler. Don't forget to let the cat outside." He turns and walks away.

 

Tyler furrows his brows. He doesn't own a cat.

 

               

 

 

 

Tyler hates school. He hates it so much.

 

The only thing he likes is the creative writing class. He doesn't like Mrs. Moore that much, but that doesn't matter.

 

Tyler writes a lot, poems, lyrics, short stories. They're dark, full of death and heartbreak and fear of being alone, but it brings Tyler relief. It helps him to get rid of the sadness for a few minutes.

 

He's glad that he's invisible for most of the students. They ignore him, he's not important. He can pull the hood of his hoodie down and pretend like he's the only human being on earth.

 

They have creative writing right now and Mrs. Moore told them to write about someone they like, someone who is their role model.

 

Tyler knows the other students probably write about celebrities or maybe their parents, but he only thinks about Josh. He's not a role model, but he gave Tyler strength when he needed it the most. He never judged Tyler by the way he acted or talked, he always listened, he gave Tyler a chance to prove himself. That he was worth Josh's time.

 

The brunette spins the pen around his thumb, looking down on the white printer sheets.

 

Tyler bites his lip. He should write about a celebrity, too, but he wants to write about Josh. Words form in his mind and he scribbles them down without thinking about it.

 

_Josh. He's my best friend. He listened to me, he helped me. His eyes crinkled when he smiled and it made me happy. But now he's gone, and my heart is gone with him._

Mrs. Moore claps her hands. "Alright, everybody. I hope you're ready, we're going to pin the sheets to the board and I want you to read through it."

 

Tyler pales. He doesn't want anybody to read what he wrote. It's too personal, as always. He curses himself silently when he stands up with the other students and pins his sheet to the board. His hands are shaking.

 

"You have five minutes." Mrs. Moore says and sits down at her desk, doing some paper work.

 

Tyler walks around, reading through different poems, but his mind is wandering. He can't concentrate.

 

He glances to the right and sees Mason standing in front of his sheet, reading it. Mason's eyes go wide while he reads and his face expression changes from surprise to disgust. He takes a step back and shakes his head.

Tyler feels like his stomach is dropping.

 

Mrs. Moore tells everybody to sit down and then she asks everybody what their favorite piece was. Tyler doesn't pay attention, he stares at Mason's back who sits right in front of him.

 

"Annie, what was your favorite poem?" Mrs. Mason asks.

 

A girl with blonde hair clears her throat. Tyler doesn't know her.

 

"Well, I thought Tyler's poem was interesting." She says. "It's like a tragic romance."

 

"It's gay." A boy interrupts her. "It's fucking gay."

 

Mrs. Moore glares at the boy. "It's not your turn, so be quiet and listen."

 

"I think it's okay to be gay." Mason says and turns to look at Tyler. "Right, Tyler? There's nothing wrong with it." He smiles evilly. "It's not your fault that you're a faggot."

 

"Mason!" Mrs. Moore hisses.

 

Mason raises his hands. "Sorry, Mrs. Moore. I just wanted to say that love is not a choice. It's okay to be into boys, I mean, it was obvious and we never bullied him because of it." He looks at her with big, innocent eyes and Mrs. Moore sighs.

 

"Just watch your language, Mason. But it's nice to know that you support Tyler. I have some homework for you to do." She stands up and writes something on the board.

 

Mason smirks and winks at Tyler. Tyler feels sick to his stomach.

 

He jumps up as soon as the bell rings. It is lunch break and he just wants to go to the library. He grabs his backpack and wants to leave when Mrs. Moore calls his name.

 

"Tyler! Wait a minute."

 

Tyler stops. Mrs. Moore beckons him. The other students leave the room.

 

Mrs. Moore licks her lips nervously. "Tyler, I… I just want to tell you that I support you. I think it's great to be open about your sexuality and you know, people are a lot more accepting nowadays."

 

"I'm not gay." Tyler blurts out. "I'm not."

 

Mrs. Moore smiles sympathetically. "You don't have to pretend to be someone you're not, Tyler. It's okay."

 

Tyler shakes his head. "I'm not gay. I'm not. Josh is my best friend, he's like my brother, but I'm not in love with him." He raises his voice. "Don't listen to Mason, he's a liar!"

 

Mrs. Moore furrows her brows. "Tyler…"

 

"He's a fucking liar!" Tyler yells. He never yells. It feels like his heart is on fire. He's angry, so fucking angry. "I hate him!"

 

"Tyler, calm down!" the teacher hisses.

 

Tyler glares at her. Suddenly, all the anger leaves him and he feels tired and exhausted. "I'm sorry." He whispers. "I'm sorry."

 

Mrs. Moore's face softens. "I understand, Tyler. You're angry, but you can't yell at people. Maybe you're confused about your sexuality, but that's none of my business. I just want you to know: I'm just a teacher, but if you need someone to talk to, I'm here."

 

Tyler bites his lip. Mrs. Moore's words stir a feeling in his chest.

 

Maybe Mrs. Moore isn't as bad as she seems.

 

"Thank you." Tyler mumbles.

 

Mrs. Moore smiles. "See you tomorrow, Tyler."

 

Tyler nods at her and leaves the classroom. He grabs the straps of his backpack with both hands, his mind running wild.

 

What if Mrs. Moore is right? Is he confused about his sexuality?

 

He doesn't see Mason in front of him. There are two other boys behind him and they stare at Tyler. Tyler stops in the middle of the hallway.

 

Nervousness creeps up in him when he faces Mason. His counterpart has a smile on his lips.

 

"Tyler." He says softly.

 

Tyler never liked Mason, but right now he's not sure what the boy wants from him.

 

"We want to talk to you, Tyler." Mason says.

 

Tyler swallows. "Okay?" he whispers. His voice sounds weak and he hates it. "What do you want to talk about?"

 

"Not here." Mason shakes his head. "Follow me." He turns and starts to walk away.

 

Tyler hesitates.

 

Mason looks back. "C'mon, Tyler. We just want to talk."

 

Tyler takes a deep breath. They won't hurt him in school right? He follows them through the school. Mason stops in front of the boy's restroom, the one that isn't in use because there's a problem with the pipes.

 

Tyler steps in hesitantly. Mason looks at his friends. "Wait outside." He follows Tyler inside and closes the door behind him.

 

Tyler sets his backpack on the floor next to him.

 

"Well…" Mason says and smiles. "Am I right?"

 

Tyler furrows his brows. "What… what do you mean?"

 

"You're a faggot." Mason spits and his smile disappears. He takes a step closer and Tyler stares at him in fear.

 

"I-I'm not!" he tries to defend himself.

 

"Don't lie to me. You're a fucking faggot!" Mason yells and grabs Tyler by the throat. He pushes him back and slams him against the wall. Tyler gasps for breath.

 

"Your _boyfriend_ Josh can't protect you anymore." Mason grins and tightens his grip around Tyler's throat. "I do not tolerate a faggot in my school."

 

The brunette tries to pull his hands away, but Mason is stronger. Tyler can feel the blood pounding in his head. He can't breathe.

 

Mason laughs and pulls away right before Tyler passes out. Tyler bends over and gasps for breath, rubbing his neck.

 

"I knew it. I wasn't sure at the beginning, but now I have proof." Mason takes a deep breath. "You're so pathetic, Tyler."

 

He stares at the boy in front of him and kicks him into the rips. Tyler falls to the ground, his chest hurts. He tries to crawl away, but Mason grabs the collar of his shirt and pulls him back. Tyler looks up in Mason's face. Tears start to spill out of his eyes.

 

"Please…" Tyler whispers.

 

Mason punches him. His fist hits Tyler's jaw, his eye, his lip. Mason punches him again and again. Tyler screams, but Mason grabs his head and smashes it against the floor.

 

"Shut. Your. Fucking. Mouth." Mason growls.

 

Tyler can feel the blood running down his face. "Please, don't!" he sobs.

 

"You're a faggot. You're a sinner. You're going to hell." Mason whispers.

 

Tyler curls himself up on the floor and covers his ear with his hands. "Stop it. Stop it." he begs.

 

"You're going to hell." Mason grabs his wrists and pulls his hands away. "You're disgusting. Being gay is a sin. You're a disappointment."

 

Tyler sobs. He doesn't want to go to hell. He's scared and he's hurt. "Stop it, please." he whimpers.

 

"You should kill yourself." Mason says, venom words dripping from his lips and filling Tyler's heart. He yanks Tyler's upper body up so he is facing him. "You're dead." He says and drops Tyler to the ground.

 

Tyler stares at the tiles next to his head. He's entire body is aching and he is trembling all over. He hears that Mason leaves the room, but he can't move. His hands are shaking and he cries. How can someone be so cruel?

 

Tyler knows he is in a state of shock, he can't think straight, his vision is blurry and he feels sick. He grabs the brink of a sink and pulls himself up, slowly. He can barely stand upright.

 

He has to leave. He can't stay here any longer.

 

Tyler grabs his backpack, stumbles to the door, pushing it open. The hallways are empty. He didn't hear the bell. Tyler walks along the hallway, flinching at every sudden movement. He feels a stinging pain in his chest at every step.

 

He tastes blood on his tongue. His head hurts and there's still blood dripping from his nose. Tyler leaves school quickly. Nobody sees him. Everyone's in class.

 

Tyler decides to walk home. He knows his room is safe. _Go home._ his mind says. _Go home, Tyler._

 

He's glad that no one notices his injuries on his way. Mr. Edison is in his garden, watching him, but Tyler ignores him and unlocks the door of his house. He runs to his room and climbs on his bed, hiding under the covers. He pulls them over his head.

 

Tyler is shaking, he is cold, so cold.

 

He doesn't want to sleep, his mind replays the scene in the restroom again and again, but he is exhausted and falls asleep nevertheless.

 

               

 

 

 

Tyler wakes up two hours later. Everything is quiet, his parents are still at work and his siblings at school.

 

Tyler gasps for breath, but then he realizes that he is at home, that he is safe.

 

When he looks down, he sees bloody stains on the sheets. He is confused at first, but when he touches his face, he groans out in pain.

 

Tyler stands up, moving as slowly as possible. He walks to the bathroom and switches the light on. He squeezes his eyes shut, the bright light is making his headache worse.

 

Tyler looks into the mirror. He freezes in shock. The right side of his face is swollen and there's blood smeared everywhere. Bruises are forming on his cheek, under his eye and on his throat. Purple-blue bruises, covering his Adam's apple and his jaw. His lip is split and there is dried blood around his nostrils. His eyes are red and puffy.

 

He looks terrible. He looks dead.

 

Tyler looks at himself and starts to cry.

 

               

 

 

 

Maddy is the first one to return home. She notices the dark bruise on Tyler's cheek and gasps, because it looks so painful.

"What happened?" she asks and steps closer, reaching out and touching his face softly. Tyler flinches when her fingertips connect with the bruised skin.

 

"I got in a fight." Tyler mumbles and takes a step back, dropping his gaze.

 

"A fight? Tyler, you never fight." Madison responds and shakes her head.

 

"Some guys beat me up." Tyler says quietly.

 

"You need ice." She walks to the fridge, grabbing an ice pack and pressing it to Tyler's cheek. "Is this the first time they beat you up?" she asks softly.

 

Tyler is older than her, but right now she feels like his older sister. "Yeah. I don't want to talk about it."

 

"You should tell mom." Maddy furrows her brows.

 

"No!" Tyler exclaims. "I don't want her to know."

 

"Tyler, that's bullying." His sister shakes her head. "You need to tell our parents."

 

"Please, Maddy, you need to help me." Tyler begs.

 

Maddy sighs. "I have loads of makeup, I can try to cover it up." She puts the ice pack back into the fridge and grabs Tyler's hand.

 

They walk to her room and Maddy tells him to sit down on her bed. Tyler does and his sister searches through the drawer of her chest of drawers. "I'm not sure if this is gonna work." She taps against Tyler's chin and he lifts his head. "But I'll try."

 

She works on his face for almost ten minutes, then takes a step back. "There you go."

 

Tyler stands up and walks to the mirror in her room, looking at his reflection. Maddy did a good job, the bruise is covered up with thick layers of makeup and looks more like a dark shadow. Maybe his parents won't see it if he pulls the hood of his hoodie over his head.

 

"They will notice it." Maddy shakes her head.

 

"They won't." Tyler says and tries to sound like it isn't a big deal for him that he just got beaten up by his classmates.

 

He hides in his room most of the time and he succeeds to avoid his parents as much as he can so they don't see the bruise.

 

He can't hide it from everybody, though, because when Tyler has switched the light off and lies in his bed, trying to fall asleep without his head tilting to the side and his injured face touching the sheets, he hears a sharp knock at the door and before he can even sit up, the door opens and his brother walks into the room, shutting the door behind him.

 

It's completely dark and Tyler can hear Zack curse under his breath when he walks against the chair while trying to find the way to Tyler's bed.

 

Finally, Zack's fingers touch Tyler's face and he hisses when he feels a painful sting in his cheek.

 

"Sorry." Zack whispers and pushes Tyler to the side so he can climb under the covers.

 

Tyler groans. "Your toes are so cold."

 

"Stop complaining." Zack respond, shifting to find a comfortable position. "What happened to your face?"

 

"That's none of your business, baby brother." Tyler sighs.

 

"I'm not leaving until you tell me." Zack presses his cold feet against Tyler's calves.

 

Tyler growls and moves away. "A guy beat me up, okay?"

 

Zack doesn't respond and the only thing Tyler can hear is his breathing. "Why?" he asks.

 

"He… doesn't like me." Tyler mumbles. "I think he can't stand me."

 

"What are you going to do?" Zack asks.

 

"Nothing." Tyler closes his eyes. "I'll keep my head low for the next days. I'm good at it."

 

"You should tell somebody." Zack pokes him.

 

"I told you. And Maddy." Tyler whispers and leans his head against his brother's shoulder. Zack says something but Tyler is too tired to understand what he's saying. He falls asleep with his brother next to him.

 

               

 

 

 

The next day, the bruise is covered with makeup. Tyler stood up early to try to make it as good as Maddy did the day before and he really did a good job, but the makeup is obvious. Tyler grabs the straps of his backpack with both hands and keeps his head down as he walks to school.

 

He's a few minutes early and suddenly, he feels insecure about the makeup. What if it looks bad? What if you can still see the bruise?

 

Tyler runs to the bathroom, looking into the mirror. The bruise is fully covered. He sighs in relief and wants to turn, when he freezes.

 

What if the others call him a faggot because he's wearing makeup?

 

He's glad that the bathroom's empty when he starts to wipe all the makeup away. He hisses every time he touches the bruise. Afterwards, his cheek is red from rubbing furiously and the dark, almost black bruise is prominently on his cheek.

 

Tyler hears the bell ring and leaves the bathroom with a last glance at his reflection. He looks terrible.

 

Everybody is already sitting in the classroom, only Mrs. Moore is missing. Tyler walks through the door quickly. He just wants to sit down and be invisible.

 

His classmates are chattering but the stop as soon as they see Tyler's face.

 

The brunette hurries to his table, sitting down and desperately trying to distract himself from the looks he's receiving. It works until he hears Mason's voice.

 

"Tyler! Oh my god, what happened to your face?" he asks and looks worried, but it's all fake.

 

Tyler ignores him and looks at his hands. They're shaking.

 

"Did someone beat you up?" Mason steps to Tyler's desk and looks down at him. Everybody is staring at them, waiting for Tyler to say something.

 

He doesn't and that makes Mason angry. "Tyler, I'm talking to you."

 

Tyler grits his teeth. _Ignore him._

Mason turns and looks at his friends. "I bet his dad punched him when he heard that his son's a fucking faggot."

 

Tyler hears a few chuckles. He looks up. "Leave me alone."

 

Mason laughs. "Why? I'm just worried, Tyler. Abuse is something you should talk about."

 

"I'm not getting abused!" Tyler jumps up. "Shut up!"

 

"Actually, I'm more concerned about you mental health." Mason looks him up and down. A few people start to laugh. Tyler feels tears well up in his eyes.

 

Right when Mason wants to say something, Mrs. Moore enters the room. She looks at Tyler and stops, shock written all over her face.

 

"Tyler… what happened to you?" she asks.

 

"Nothing." Tyler whispers. "I'm fine." He feels Mason's eyes on him.

 

Mrs. Moore looks at Mason for a few seconds, the student returning her gaze with a smirk, while walking to his chair and sitting down slowly. Then, Mrs. Moore takes a deep breath and starts to scribble something on the board.

 

Tyler is sure he can see Mason's shoulder drop in relief.

 

When she hands them the results of the test they wrote a week ago, Mrs. Moore asks Tyler quietly to stay after class.

Tyler looks at his test. He failed. He buries his face in his hands and sighs deeply.

 

The class is over soon and everybody leaves the room. Tyler stays at his place. When everyone else left, Mrs. Moore shuts the door and grabs a chair, placing it at the other side of the table and sits down.

 

"I know you don't want to talk about it." She starts. "But I need to know who did this."

 

Tyler presses his lips together. He knows Mason will try to kill him if he tells Mrs. Moore what he did.

 

Mrs. Moore runs her hand over her face in desperation. "Was it someone from school? I'm just trying to help you, Tyler."

 

Tyler's breathing becomes irregular and sweat starts running down his neck.

 

"Just tell me if your parents did that or not." Mrs. Moore says quietly and Tyler feels sorry for her, because being a teacher and dealing with this shit is not easy.

 

He shakes his head.

 

"Okay."

 

Suddenly, Mrs. Moore grabs his hands and looks at him. "You can always talk to me, okay, Tyler? Always."

 

Her hands feels nice, they're warm and soft and Tyler almost feels sad when she withdraws her hands and stands up. "I'm sorry, Tyler." She says. "I'm sorry this is happening to you."

 

Tyler nods, showing that he appreciates her support. She sighs and grabs her stuff. "See you tomorrow, Tyler."

 

Tyler doesn't know what to think about it.

 

 

               

 

_Hi Jish,_

_I'm happy for you. I'm doing fine on my own._

He thinks about telling Josh about Mason. He decides against it.

 

Tyler writes a few more sentences, unimportant information about the weather and Mr. Edison.

 

He writes that Mr. Edison walked down the street in his pajama a few days ago. Tyler's mom returned from home right when he passed their house. She parked her car and followed him, talking to the old man. Then, she grabbed his elbow and led him back to his house.

 

Tyler watched it all from his window. His mom didn't talk about it and Tyler didn't want to ask. He wanted to know why Mr. Edison didn't get dressed before he left his house. But there was this uneasy feeling in his chest when he opened his mouth. Like he already knew that the answer wasn't a good one. So he closed his mouth again.

 

Now he doesn't know why Mr. Edison did it, but he's not sure if he really wants to.

 

 _I wish I'd have the money to fly to LA._ Tyler writes. He really wants to see Josh. He wants to see his face, his soft, brown eyes, his smile.

 

That's the thing he misses the most. Josh's smile. It always made him happy when he was sad. And right now, Tyler is sad.

 

He sends the mail to Josh and leaves the house, telling his mom that he's going for a walk. He really needs some time to think.

 

It is evening and already getting dark but Tyler doesn't mind. He decides to walk to Josh's old home.

 

It's a long walk to Josh's house, Tyler takes his time. He thinks about the way he feels.

 

He's sad, always. He can't recall a single happy moment since Josh left. In school, he's scared. He's afraid that the others will bully him and that everything is going to get worse.

 

The bruise on his cheek is now blue with a hint of green. It'll take a while until it finally disappears. Tyler watches his feet, trying not to step on the cracks in the sidewalk.

 

When he steps in front of Josh's house, there's a red car in the driveway. Tyler stops and looks at the house. There's light in the kitchen and he can see a woman walking around. There is a man sitting at the table and a girl with long, brown hair next to him. They're talking and laughing while eating.

 

Tyler bites his lip. This is no longer Josh's house. He turns, because he can't watch the scene any longer. There are already tears in his eyes and Tyler wipes them away angrily. He's sure Josh's doesn't cry. He probably doesn't miss Tyler at all.

 

The brunette runs home. When he arrives back at his house, he's breathing heavily and his heart is beating fast. He steps inside and glances at the clock.

 

Tyler winces. Only fourteen hours left until he has to go to school again. Then the torture begins again. And the next day again. And again.

 

There's no escape.

 

He checks the stove before he goes to bed. It is turned off and Tyler hopes that he can fall asleep quickly, but he lies awake for hours, staring at the dark ceiling and wishing Josh was there with him.

 

 

               

 

 

 

_Hey Tyler,_

_guess what, Brendon and I went to Taco Bell yesterday. It was great, I told him that you love Taco Bell and he said you should be here with us. I have a lot of fun, Brendon always makes me laugh. He's witty and smart and has an opinion on everything._

_Yesterday he told me that he likes boys, too. He isn't sure if he's bi or pan, he just said it doesn't matter._

_"I like people." he said. I think it's great, being so open about your sexuality. He's a really nice guy and I'm so glad I met him._

_Don't worry about the old man, I'm sure he's fine._

_Maybe we can skype again sometime._

_Josh_

Tyler takes a deep breath after reading Josh's Mail.

 

_Don't find a new best friend, Josh._

 

His heart feels empty, like a part is missing. He knows exactly what is missing.

 

 

               

 

 

 

Tyler dreams of Josh. He is somewhere, he doesn't recognize the place and he's walking around, seeing many unfamiliar faces and then he sees Josh.

 

He sees Josh's back to be exactly, but he recognizes him instantly. Tyler shouts Josh's name and Josh turns and looks at him. A big smile spreads on his face, making his eyes crinkle.

 

Tyler fights his way through the crowd. It takes like forever until he reaches Josh and stops in front of him.

 

"Tyler." Josh says and Tyler pulls him into a hug.

 

"I missed you so much, Tyler." Josh whispers and takes a step back to look at Tyler.

 

"I love you." Tyler blurts out. "I'm in love with you. I want to kiss you."

 

Josh just smiles and Tyler wants to take a step towards Josh when he hears a yell.

 

"Hey!"

 

Tyler turns and there's a guy pushing him aside. The guy has black hair, that's all Tyler can see when he walks to Josh and places a hand on Josh's shoulder. Josh places his hands on the boy's waist.

 

"Who's that?" Tyler asks in confusion.

 

"Brendon." The guy says. "And Josh is mine." And then he turns and kisses Josh. Tyler stares at them in shock. Josh pulls Brendon closer and they kiss passionately right in front of Tyler's eyes.

 

"Josh…?" Tyler's voice cracks.

 

Josh looks up and disconnects their lips. "Sorry. I made other friends." He says coldly and turns away.

 

Tyler wakes up, gasping for breath. His cheeks feel damp and he notices that he's been crying in his sleep. He keeps crying, the picture of Josh kissing someone else cuts through his heart and it hurts so much, Tyler thinks he might die because of a broken heart.

 

And Josh doesn't even know that Tyler's so, so in love with him that he feels like a big part of him is missing without Josh. Josh has no idea about Tyler's feels and so there's nothing holding him back.

 

What if he already forgot about Tyler? What if he fell in love with someone else?

 

Tyler jumps up and races to the bathroom, throwing up into the toilet. He doesn't know what makes him feel sick, the sadness or the incredible jealousy. Tyler falls to his knees next to the toilet and starts crying, tears, spit and vomit dripping onto his shirt.

 

He sits there for a few minutes before he hears footsteps.

 

Zack stands in the doorway, rubbing his eyes and yawning. "Tyler? Is everything alright?"

 

Tyler shakes his head and sobs.

 

Zack looks more awake right now, because he crouches down next to his brother. "What's wrong? Why are you crying?"

 

"I think I'm sick." Tyler whispers.

 

"I'll go and get mom." Zack stands up.

 

"No, I don't want them to wake up, they have to go to work tomorrow." Tyler says. "I'll be fine."

 

Zack doesn't look convinced, but he sighs and hands Tyler a washcloth to wipe his face. "Maybe you should stay home tomorrow."

 

Tyler shrugs. "Maybe." He wipes his face and flushes the toilet. "You can go to bed, Zack."

 

"Okay." Zack hesitates for a second before he decides to hug his brother briefly. Then he turns and walks back to his room.

 

Tyler takes a deep breath and switches the light off.

 

Tomorrow's another day. It'll get better. It has to.

 

               

 

 

 

Tyler feels sick to his stomach when he leaves the house the next day. He's glad that the bruise is already fading.

 

Mr. Edison stands outside on the street, a broom in his hands, sweeping the sidewalk. The same spot over and over again. He looks up when he sees Tyler.

 

"Graham!" he says. "Graham, over here!"

 

Tyler stops and turns his head to see who Mr. Edison is talking to. But there's only him on the street.

 

"Graham!" The old man repeats and waves at Tyler. "Where have you been?"

 

Tyler bites his lip. Is he talking to him? Why does he think his name is Graham?

 

He steps closer.

 

"Graham, it's so good to see you again." Mr. Edison says and drops the broom. He walks to Tyler and places a hand on his cheek. "I missed you."

 

"My name's Tyler, Sir." Tyler says in confusion.

 

"How are the kids? How's your wife?" Mr. Edison asks and smiles.

 

Tyler swallows. Why is the old man acting so strange? Does he not recognize Tyler?

 

"How's Holly? Does she still have these wonderful blond hair?" Mr. Edison laughs quietly. "I bet she still looks like an angel." He pulls the surprised Tyler into a hug. "I missed you."

 

Tyler withdraws quickly and takes a step back.

 

"Where are you going?"

 

"I…I need to leave." Tyler stutters.

 

"No, please don't leave me! I'm so lonely!" The old man looks incredibly sad. "Graham, please…"

 

It breaks Tyler's heart but he walks away quickly. The way the old man behaves scares him. He needs to go to school anyway.

 

               

 

 

 

It is lunch break and Tyler sits in the library again. He has his arms wrapped around himself. He doesn't know why, but he feels a strong desire for human contact. Only a hug or someone who rubs his back.

 

He just wants to feel the warmth of another human being. He's touch-starved and it makes his condition worse. Tyler knows he shouldn't feel sad all day.

 

He should be happy. But how can he be happy without a friend? How can he be happy when everybody in school reminds him that he's not worth a friend, that nobody wants to talk to him, that's he's nothing more than dirt under their shoes?

 

Tyler never believed it, he always felt sure of himself, he was aware of his mistakes but also of his strengths. But right now it feels like Tyler is just one big mess. He only consists of his weaknesses.

 

The mean words he hears every day make him feel like he's less worth than the others. And slowly, he starts to believe it.

 

               

 

 

 

 

His family, Mr. Edison and Mrs. Moore are the only people that seem to like Tyler. He's glad that at least someone cares about him.

 

Mrs. Moore always tells him that he can talk to her whenever he wants, but he never does. It's enough for him to know that there's someone who would listen if he wants to talk.

 

Today, Mrs. Moore looks like there's something she needs to get off her chest. When the bell rings, signalizing the end of the period, she tells the students to sit down again.

 

They complain and sit down with a sigh. Mrs. Moore takes a deep breath and tells them that she's going to leave the school in a few weeks.

 

A student asks why, but Tyler doesn't hear the answer because he stares at Mrs. Moore, unable to understand her words.

 

She's leaving. She's leaving and Tyler will be all on his own. She notices Tyler's shocked gaze and says something when Tyler jumps up and grabs his backpack, running to the door and leaving the room.

 

It feels like she's betraying him. Tyler gasps for breath and locks himself in a stall in the bathroom. When she's gone, there'll be nothing holding his classmates back. They can do whatever they want and nobody will care.

 

Tyler smacks his hand against his thigh to release some of the anxiety he feels. He hits himself again and again until his leg hurts. He pulls his skinny jeans down to look at the red marks he left on his skin.

 

Hitting himself didn't feel wrong. It felt right.

 

 

               

 

 

 

The next day, when Tyler returns from school, there's an ambulance in front of Mr. Edison's house. It drives off right when Tyler reaches the front door. He watches it leaving the street and hopes Mr. Edison is okay.

 

The old man acted strange in the last weeks, but Tyler still likes him. He doesn't bully him like Mason does. Tyler considers Mr. Edison a friend. He's one of the good ones.

 

Tyler turns the key in the lock and opens the door, stepping in. He drops his backpack and slips out of his jacket. His mother appears in the doorway, a bowl and a dish towel in her hands.

 

"Hi mom. Have you seen the ambulance outside?" Tyler asks.

 

His mother nods. "I hope Mr. Edison is fine."

 

Tyler agrees and follows her to the kitchen.

 

Although the meal his mother cooked tastes delicious, Tyler just can't stop thinking about Mr. Edison. Maybe he fell down the stairs and broke his arm? Old bones break easier, right? Tyler doesn't want to think about the other possibilities.

 

               

 

 

 

The next day is a Saturday. He's lying on the bed in his room and listening to music when his mother opens the door. Tyler turns his head to see that she is pale and it looks like she is on the verge of crying.

 

"What's wrong?" Tyler asks and stands up from the bed.

 

"Mr. Edison died yesterday." she says quietly.

                          

"What?" Tyler chokes out.

 

"Our neighbor says he had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. I'm sorry, Tyler."

 

Her son stares at her and then he starts to cry. His mom steps to the bed and wraps her arms around him, pulling him into a hug. "I'm sorry, Tyler." she whispers and Tyler can hear that she's crying, too. "He was old and he suffered from dementia."

 

"So that's why he acted so strange." Tyler sobs in her blouse and Kelly nods. Tyler cries and his mother holds him tightly.

 

"The funeral is next week." She says quietly.

 

"Okay." Tyler whispers and takes a step back, wiping his face. "I want to… can I be alone? Please?"

 

Kelly nods sadly and turns, shutting the door quietly behind her. Tyler climbs on the bed and pulls the covers over his head. He doesn't want to feel anymore, he just wants to fall asleep and die. It feels like the floor he's walking on is breaking and he's falling into an abyss, so deep he can't get up.

 

Tyler cries even more when he realizes that he just wished to die. He never felt the desire to die before but today he does and it scares him, but the thought of just leaving everything behind feels good. It makes Tyler feel safe.

 

After an hour of crying, he stands up and grabs a sheet of paper, scribbling down what comes to his mind. In the end, the sheet is covered with his messy handwriting, crossed-out words and tears where they fell down.

 

Tyler stares at the first sentence.

 

_I'm sorry._

He would be sorry. He would feel guilty.

 

_I can't do this anymore._

He can't. It's only getting worse. He is getting worse every day. It's exhausting. All Tyler wants is something to hold onto.

 

_I'm sorry for killing myself._

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry._

Tyler reads through his suicide note and it scares him. He's afraid of his own mind. It feels like he lost control over his own thoughts. His own mind is trying to kill him.

 

Tyler rips the sheet into tiny pieces. He won't let his own mind win. He has to survive. He can't give up. He has to think of his family.

 

The thought should give him hope and strength to carry on, but it doesn't. It makes Tyler realize that he would have to fight until he breaks down. And he will break down eventually. He can't win this fight. All he can do is to hold onto life and try to survive.

 

               

 

 

 

Tyler's suit is black and so is his shirt. He's also wearing a black jacket and he thinks it suits him. But it doesn't matter, because it's Mr. Edison's funeral and this day is about the old man, not about Tyler. He leaves the house with his mother. She wants to hold his hand but Tyler withdraws.

 

He doesn't talk. When he sees the coffin of Mr. Edison all he can think about is how lucky Mr. Edison is to get buried at such a beautiful day. It's sunny and the sky is blue. Tyler can hear the birds singing in the trees.

 

As he walks by the graves, he thinks about being at their place. Being dead must be great. Just the silence around you. He'd like to get buried so deeply that he can never get up again.

 

Tyler thinks about people getting buried alive. What if he has an accident and he isn't really dead but everybody thinks he is and what if his family buries him alive, thinking their son is gone for good? He'd suffocate inside of the coffin, probably feel claustrophobic. It scares him and he fumbles with his fingers nervously.

 

When he looks at the coffin he's almost one hundred percent sure Mr. Edison isn't dead, he's just sleeping, they can't bury him alive, he'll die, the old man will die and only Tyler knows that he's still alive, he has to do something-

 

He doesn't notice that he's whimpering and mumbling under his breath until his mother grabs his arm and tells him harshly to calm down and stop making a scene. Her son can see the tears in her eyes although she tries to hide them.

 

Tyler bites his tongue, his sharp teeth ripping the skin open and the taste of blood fills his mouth.

 

They bury Mr. Edison and Tyler does nothing to stop it, he just stands there, staring terrified at the grave, trying to stop shaking.

 

The funeral is over soon and his mom leads him to the car. On the way, Tyler starts crying so much that he can barely see where he's walking. Kelly buckles him up in the front seat and Tyler wipes his eyes, sobbing.

 

"Mama, we need to go back, he's not dead, he's not dead, they buried him alive." he chokes out.

 

"He's dead, Tyler." she says and starts the engine.

 

"No, no, you don't understand!" Tyler sobs and unbuckles himself, trying to open the door. "We need to help him."

 

"Tyler, stop!" his mom says calmly. "You need to calm down, honey."

 

But Tyler doesn't calm down, when he notices that his mother locked the door and starts driving home, he throws himself against the door, trying to open it. "Stop! We need to help him!" he yells, tears streaming down his face. "Mom, please, stop!"

 

His mother doesn't stop, she tells him to buckle himself up again and stop trying to jump out of the car.

 

Tyler freaks out, he slams his hands against the window, screaming and sobbing, trying to make her stop. "We need to help him! Mom, stop, please, stop, _please!"_ he begs.

 

"Tyler, calm down, he's dead." his mom answers and she sounds tired. "Please, Tyler."

 

"He's not dead!" Tyler screams. "I know it! I know it!"

 

But his mother drives home and Tyler sinks down in his seat, resting his head against the window, crying violently and hiccupping from time to time.

 

"He's not dead." he whispers, squeezing his eyes shut. "He's not."

 

When they reach their home, Kelly helps him to get out of the car and walk to the front door. Tyler stares at the ground, his legs shaking so much that he stumbled a few times. As soon as Kelly unlocks the door, he rushes to his room and closes the door, sitting down on the floor.

 

Tyler pulls his knees to his chest and stares at the wall, not moving nor speaking for hours.

 

Around dinner time, his mom opens the door of his room and when she finds Tyler sitting on the floor, she sighs and sits down next to him, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him to her chest. Tyler cries silently, tears leaving dark dots on her pullover, but it feels good to be held by someone.

 

"Mr. Edison is dead, Tyler." Kelly says quietly.

 

"I know." Tyler whispers and sobs.

 

She pets his hair and holds him until he stops crying and crawls on his bed, hiding under the covers.

 

               

 

 

 

 

_I hate him._

The thought swirls around in his head all the time and he can't believe that he is feeling this way. He hates Josh for leaving him, for being happy without him, for leaving Tyler all alone.

 

He doesn't want to hate Josh, he's his best friend, but whenever he thinks of Josh, he gets angry. Josh is happy in LA, he has friends and Tyler is stuck in Columbus, losing everything. He doesn't have friends. Everybody he likes moves away or dies.

 

And it's Josh's fault that he gets bullied and called a faggot on a daily basis. Tyler isn't in love with Josh. Josh is selfish and Tyler doesn't want to love a selfish person.

 

Tyler's thoughts taste bitter on his tongue and he doesn't know why he thinks about the fact that Josh left him all the time. Maybe it is because he feel so powerless. He wishes that Josh isn't happy anymore.

 

He wants to hate Brendon, he really wants, because Brendon took his Josh away, but he can't. Brendon didn't do anything, even Tyler has to admit it. Josh did. Tyler writes mails and texts him, but it takes a long time until Josh answers, sometimes he doesn't get a single response within a week.

 

He left Tyler and he doesn't even care about him anymore. Tyler walks to the bathroom and looks into the mirror. He looks sick and tired, his usually tanned skin is pale and he has dark circles under his eyes. His brown eyes aren't clear, they're bloodshot and there's always a hunted expression on his face. It looks like he is constantly trying to run away from something, trying to avoid the abyss that is going to pull him down. Tyler knows, one more bad thing and he'll trip over the edge, falling, falling, falling.

 

Tyler flinches when he hears his phone ring in his room. He rushes back and grabs it, answering the call, kicking the door closed.

 

"Hello?" he asks, being a little bit out of breath.

 

"Hi, Tyler."

 

It's Josh and Tyler freezes. "Hi, Josh…"

 

"How are you? I'm sorry for not answering your mails, I'm very busy." Josh explains and for a second Tyler thinks that he sounds tired.

 

"Mr. Edison died a few days ago." Tyler says.

 

"Oh my… Tyler, I'm so sorry." Josh takes a deep breath. "What happened?"

 

"He was old. Had a heart attack." Tyler shrugs. "I'm okay." He doesn't cry, he hasn't got any tears left. Hearing Josh's voice shows him once again how much he misses his best friend.

 

"I miss you, Tyler." Josh says and his voice cracks.

 

Tyler inhales sharply. He doesn't answer and Josh seems to know what he's thinking.

 

"You have to believe me." he says quietly. "I really miss you. Do you miss me?"

 

Tyler's hands shake. "It's getting less every day." He squeezes his eyes shut and it hurts, hurts to hear Josh's silence.

 

Finally, Josh clears his throat. "That's good." he says and Tyler's heart breaks because he knows that Josh is close to tears. "Stay save, Tyler."

 

"I will." Tyler responds. "Bye, Josh."

 

"Bye, Tyler."

 

Tyler feels terrible. He places his phone on the table and sits down on the bed. Why did he lie? Why did he hurt Josh on purpose?

 

Tyler sits on his bed, kicking his legs angrily. After a few minutes he jumps up, walking downstairs. He leaves the house and takes a deep breath. He looks at Mr. Edison's house. It's been a week since the funeral, an entire week and he slowly starts to accept that he's never going to see Mr. Edison again.

 

He walks to the fence and places his hand on it, feeling how cold it is under his fingertips. He runs his hand over it and then snaps his fingers. Right when he wants to turn around and leave, the front door of the house opens.

 

For a second, Tyler thinks that it is Mr. Edison who wants to leave his house to work in his garden, but it's a guy, older than Tyler with black hair and a blue tshirt. He has a box in his hands and walks towards Tyler.

 

He stops on the other side of the fence and places the box on the grass, groaning and stretching his arms. "Hi."

 

"Hi." Tyler responds and watches him.

 

"I'm Graham Edison." The man extends his hands and Tyler grabs it and shakes it. Graham's hand is warm and soft, just like Josh's hands when he rubs Tyler's shoulder after they sat in the car for too long, talking for hours and-

 

"You must be Tyler Joseph, right?" Graham asks and points at Tyler's house. Tyler nods. The man is probably Mr. Edison's son, he understands.

 

"Thank you for talking to my dad." Graham says and runs his hand through his black hair.

 

"I now it was probably not easy with his dementia. He was very lonely, but my wife and I were busy with work and our kids…" Graham trails off and Tyler sees the look on his face that shows that Mr. Edison's son regrets not visiting his father more often, the guilt in his eyes that he left the old man alone without anyone to talk to.

 

"Anyway… my wife and I decided to sell the house." Graham picks the boy back up. "Have a nice day, Tyler."

 

"You too, Sir." Tyler responds and takes a step back. He turns and walks back to his house. He knows with the house being sold, everything that was left of Mr. Edison is going to fade away. For a few months, his son will still think of him, maybe grief and wish his father was still alive, but after a few years, he will be forgotten.

 

The thought doesn't scare Tyler, he kind of wishes it would be him. Just to fade away, with no responsibility, no one that he leaves behind, just another dead soul in the universe.

 

It's getting dark too quickly and Tyler finds himself sitting in his room, alone with all lights switched off. The window is open, the air is still warm and the last of the sunlight is fading away.

 

Josh's birthday is in three months.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mrs. Moore tells the class that she hopes that they'll do fine without her. She looks at Tyler, but her student ignores her, looking at his desk.

 

She says goodbye and says that she'll miss the school.

 

Mason smiles when the last lesson with Mrs. Moore is over. He knows that she was the only one that cared about Tyler and he is glad she's gone.

 

As soon as the bell rings, Tyler stands up. If school was torture until know, he knows it will turn into living hell. And Mason is the devil, ruling his kingdom and his goal to have Tyler on his knees.

 

It scares Tyler, but he tries not to show it. Mason winks at him when Tyler walks by and the brunette feels a push against his hips but he takes a step to the side and doesn't fall. Mason pouts and turns away.

 

Tyler hurries to the library. He still hopes that Mason will leave him alone, but he knows, it's not going to happen.

 

               

 

 

 

Tyler enters the men's restroom and freezes when he sees Mason standing in front of the sinks. School is over and Tyler thought everybody went home.

 

Mason seems like he didn't expect it to see Tyler because he stares at him before his eyes widen in joy. It's the perfect opportunity and Tyler knows it. He turns, grabs the door handle and wants to run away, but Mason yanks him back, shoving him against the wall.

 

Tyler stumbles and Mason pushes him down on his knees.

 

"That's where you belong, faggot." he hisses and moves forward, shoving his crotch into Tyler's face. Tyler turns his head away, but Mason pulls his hair and laughs.

 

"Do you like that?" he asks and laughs. "I bet you'd love to suck my dick."

 

Tyler starts crying when Mason plays with the zipper of his pants. Mason enjoys his power for a few seconds before he pushes Tyler to the ground and leaves the restroom, slamming the door shut.

 

Everything happened so quickly and still Tyler is shivering. He remains sitting on the floor and drops his head, letting the tears run down his nose and drip to the ground.

 

He still feels Mason's hands in his hair and he wants to shave it.

 

Slowly, incredibly slowly, he stands up, opens the door and leaves school. There's a weight on his shoulders that pushes him down and makes his knees weak.

 

               

 

 

 

Tyler eats dinner with his family. They chat, Zack tells them about basketball practice, but Tyler doesn't listen to him. He stares at his plate, chewing slowly and repeats the scene in the restroom in his head.

 

The way Mason treated him felt… humiliating. Yes, Tyler feels humiliated. His pride his hurt, but what scares him more is the fact that for a few seconds, just a few seconds, he thought that Mason was going to rape him in school. It freaks him out and he starts to shiver, chewing harder and trying to forget it.

 

He won't tell anybody. Never.

 

He's too weak, he can't defend himself. He's a victim.

 

Tyler is ashamed about it, but talking about it would make everything worse, would make it _real._

Under the table, Tyler places a hand on his thigh and digs his nails into his flesh, tearing up because of the pain. He grits his teeth and forces himself to keep chewing.

 

Suddenly, he feels a kick against his shinbone and he looks up, seeing Zack staring at him.

 

"What's wrong?" Zack mouths.

 

Tyler glances at his parents and sees them talking to Maddy. "Nothing." he mouths back and takes another bite, but stopping to squeeze his thigh.

 

Zack furrows his brow, but doesn't press further. Tyler is thankful for it.

 

They finish dinner and Tyler hurries to get to his room. As soon as he closes the door, he hears a knock and Zack opens the door.

 

Tyler turns and Zack closes the door quietly behind him, walking to the bed and sitting down. "You're weird, Tyler." he says. "It looks like you're tired all the time."

 

"I am." Tyler agrees, but it's not the lack of sleep that he's talking about. He's tired of everything, every second of his life is torture.

 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Zack asks softly and Tyler knows it's rare that his brother actually shows how much he cares about him. They love each other, but they never show it, nothing more than quick hugs and basketball games, no deep talks.

 

"There's nothing to talk about." Tyler says.

 

Zack bites his lip, then shrugs. "Okay." he stands up and walks to the door. Before he leaves the room, he turns. "I love you, big brother."

 

"I love you, too, little brother." Tyler responds and smiles.

 

Zack leaves and Tyler stares at the wall. Then, he walks downstairs and says goodnight to his parents. A few minutes later, he grabs his jacket and sneaks out of the house.

 

He walks through his neighborhood for a while, but he feels the desire to be alone, so he walks further than he has ever walked. After an hour, he reaches the forest outside of Columbus. It's almost completely dark and Tyler is happy about it. He finds comfort in the darkness. He doesn't walk into the forest, just runs his hand over the trunk of a tree before he turns and walks back. He doesn't know where to go, so he decides to go home.

 

Cars drive by and Tyler thinks about crossing the street without looking left and right. He notices that this is the only thing in his life he can control.

 

He has control over his death and that helps him, because tonight, he gained back a little bit of the control he lost in the last months.

 

Tyler is dead tired when he arrives home and goes to bed right away. He closes his eyes and for the first time in weeks, he sleeps peacefully.

               

 

 

 

 

Tyler tries not to groan. His thighs are red and he still keeps slapping the red flesh. It feels good, relieving, but Tyler knows he shouldn't do it. He shouldn't hurt himself.

 

_Stop it. Stop it._

 

He jumps up and walks to the bathroom, grabbing an electric razor and shaving his hair off angrily. Strands of brown, fluffy hair fall into the sink and finally, Tyler runs his hand over his head. It feels naked, but it feels good. He stares at his reflection with a frown.

 

He hates himself. Why is he so weak?

 

Tyler dreams of being strong, so no one can bully him anymore.

 

But he isn't strong, he is just himself.

 

               

 

 

 

Tyler looks at his laptop. He's sitting on his bed, all lights shut off and he can see Josh. They decided to skype again, neither of them talked about their last conversation.

 

Josh looks tired and Tyler notices that he doesn't smile as often as he used to.

 

"Can you turn the lights on, please?" Josh asks. "I can't see you, it's just a blurry shadow."

 

Tyler hesitates, then switches the lights on. He squeezes his eyes shut because of the brightness and when he opens them again, he sees Josh staring at him in shock.

 

"Did you… did you shave your hair?" Josh asks slowly.

 

Tyler nods and runs his hand over his head, the tiny stubbles poking his skin. "I needed it. My hair was getting long."

 

Josh sighs. "Is everything alright?" His eyes are tired and sad and he is pale.

 

"Yep." Tyler answers and looks at his best friend. He can't get enough of Josh's pale skin, the freckles on his nose, his brown eyes. "What about you?"

 

Josh forces a smile. "It's great in LA. Always sunny, always warm. Brendon and I hang out a lot. What do you do in your free time?"

 

"Going for walks, meet up with the others, working for school." Tyler lies and shrugs. "Nothing special."

 

"Sounds great." Josh answers. "I'm glad you're not sad anymore."

 

"Yeah…" Tyler bites his lip. "I'm really tired, Josh. I think I should go to bed, I have school tomorrow, you know?"

 

"Me too." Josh agrees and says goodbye. "Let's talk again soon, okay?"

 

"Okay. Bye." Tyler smiles, a fake smile and shuts his laptop. He places it on the table and switches the light off. He lies down in his bed, fully clothed and stares at the ceiling. He knows the time will go by quickly and he wishes that it was Saturday. But it isn't and Tyler has to go to school again.

 

 _Until graduation._ He thinks. He'll manage.

 

 

               

 

 

 

When Tyler enters the classroom, everybody looks up. He sees the smiles on his classmates' faces. They start to snicker and laugh and Tyler looks around and sees that someone has scribbled _Tyler Joseph's a faggot_ on the board.

 

Tyler bites his lip. He would've tried to ignore it, but the class starts to clap their hands and chant _faggot_ loudly. The clapping of their hands, the noise mixed with the bright smiles on their faces, like raptors, makes Tyler want to throw up.

 

He stumbles to his chair. He feels dizzy so he squeezes his eyes shut and presses his hands against his ears, trying to drown their voices.

 

Someone slams his hand on Tyler's table in the rhythm of their chant and Tyler can feel it vibrating under his elbows.

 

"Stop it." he whispers but he his voice is quiet and no one hears him.

 

"Stop." Tyler whimpers. "Stop, stop, _stop._ "

 

They don't listen to him, nobody tells the others to stop and the noise is increasing until it's the only thing Tyler can hear.

 

Somebody grabs his hand and yanks his arm forward so Tyler's head slams against the desk. It hurts and Tyler tries to withdraw his arm, but a boy grabs his other arm and pulls it.

 

It feels like they're trying to dislocate Tyler's shoulders. He's being pulled over the desk and shoved to the ground. Everybody laughs and Tyler curls himself up on the floor, unable to stand up, to face the others.

 

A picture flashes through his mind, a white rabbit in the corner and dogs surrounding it, barking loudly, saliva dripping down their mouths.

 

The laughter stops abruptly when the door opens and a loud voice asks what's going on.

 

"He collapsed, I think he might have a panic attack." Mason says loudly and the intruder, a teacher Tyler has never seen before, kneels down in front of him.

 

"Hey, can you hear me?"

 

Tyler can't answer, he's shaking and sweating.

 

"I can take him to the nurse." Mason says and he sounds concerned.

 

"I think that might be a good idea." the teacher answers. "What's his name?"

 

"Tyler Joseph, Sir." Mason answers.

 

"The same Tyler Joseph like on the board?" The teacher asks and the room falls dead silent, only Tyler's heavy breathing is filling it. After a few seconds, the teacher sighs.

 

"Just help him to go to the nurse. I'll wipe that away."

 

Mason grabs Tyler's arms and helps him to sit up. "Breathe, man." he mumbles.

 

Tyler takes a deep breath and Mason pulls him on his feet. Tyler is swaying and Mason grabs his shirt roughly to keep him up. "Let's go."

 

Tyler has no choice but follow him to the nurse. Sweat is dripping from his temples and running down his cheek. He is shaking and he feels weak. When he stumbles, he falls and hits his elbow.

 

Mason growls angrily and yanks him back up. "Pull yourself together." he hisses.

 

Tyler cries silently.

 

"You're so pathetic." Mason spits. "So fucking pathetic."

 

Tyler doesn't answer, his head is spinning and he wants to turn his head, but he's not fast enough. He vomits on the floor and Mason gags when Tyler's vomit splashes on his shoes.

 

"Fuck you!" Mason yells and Tyler wipes his mouth. "You ruined my shoes, asshole!"

 

Tyler hears footsteps of a few people coming closer, but all he can see is Mason in front of him, looking at him with hate and disgust.

 

"I'm going to kill you." Mason hisses. "You're dead."

 

Mason's eyes burn holes into Tyler's skin and then everything fades away. Tyler's body goes limp and the darkness catches him and pulls him deeper.

 

               

 

 

 

Tyler is sick for the rest of the week. He lies in his bed, sweating and shivering and with only one thought in his head.

 

_I don't want to live anymore._

It's the only thing Tyler can think about. He thinks about dying, just leaving this dark world. Every time he closes his eyes he hopes that he will not wake up again.

 

               

 

 

 

Mason isn't dumb. He's smart and he's aware that he can't beat Tyler up again, it would be too obvious. So he uses other ways to bully him.

 

His weapons are sharp and invisible. Like the scars he leaves on Tyler's soul. They're not visible, but they're deep. Deep cuts that keep bleeding no matter how often Tyler tries to fix it. Nothing can fix it again, Tyler thinks.

 

Tyler barely remembers the time he liked himself. When he looked in the mirror and didn't want to punch himself. When he didn't see a worthless piece of shit in himself.

 

Josh made him feel like he was good, like he was worth living, but Mason proves him wrong. He's just a waste of time, nothing more. Nobody needs Tyler.

 

Mason wants to see him wrecked and he's good at ruining people's lives. Especially Tyler's.

 

Mason knows he doesn't have to do the entire work. He just sets a tiny piece of Tyler on fire and it'll burn everything inside of him. Tyler is the wind that will fan the fire and he can't stop it. He's desperately looking for water, but his mind is a desert.

 

Tyler writes a lot. His poems are getting darker and darker, desperate.

 

 _Help me!_ Tyler screams but no one can hear him. He's invisible, not important. He's dead, just a shell, he thinks, but it's not true.

 

Pale skin, bloodshot eyes, voice hoarse from screaming into the pillow, hands shaking. Proof that he's still alive.

 

It's only a matter of time until he breaks.

 

               

 

 

 

_Kill yourself._

A sentence that his classmates whispered all day long. Maybe they thought it's funny. Maybe they didn't think he'd actually consider doing it. Maybe they truly wished he'd do it.

 

_Kill yourself._

Tyler runs, he runs and he gasps for breath. The forest is dark and silent. He kept these feelings inside of him for months and he knows he'll break if he doesn't let them out.

 

Tyler stops between the trees, he's lost. He wants to pull his hair, but it's too short. Tyler thinks about drowning, about bleeding until all the blood has left his body. It's driving him crazy and he turns, turns in the middle of the forest. He doesn't know where he is and how he got there and he panics.

 

Tyler thinks about bright smiles and crinkled eyes and pink hair and he dials Josh's number with shaking hands.

 

"Tyler?"

 

Josh's voice is here, he's here and he'll listen, he'll help Tyler.

 

"Josh." Tyler chokes out. "Josh."

 

Josh notices immediately that Tyler is on the edge of having a panic attack and he tries to calm him down. "I'm here, Tyler. I'm right here."

 

"I don't want to… I-I don't want to go there anymore." Tyler stutters out.

 

"Where?" Josh asks.

 

"S-school." Tyler whispers. "Everybody hates me."

 

"Tyler. Where are you?" Josh breathes.

 

"I-In the f-forest." Tyler whispers.

 

Josh takes a deep breath. "Tyler, are you safe?"

 

"N-no." Tyler responds shakily. "Josh, please, come back." he cries into the phone. "Come back to me."

 

Tears are running down his cheeks and his eyes burn. "I need you, Josh. I… I can't do it without you, Josh. I want to give up, I c-can't do this anymore."

 

"You can do it, Tyler. Don't give up." Josh says quietly.

 

"I can't. It hurts, it hurts so much." he whimpers and clutches his phone, because only Josh's voice is keeping him sane at the moment.

 

"Tyler, I'm stuck in LA." Josh responds and his voice is trembling. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

 

"I'm dying." Tyler sobs and he's shaking so violently he almost drops his phone. "I'm dying, Josh." He gasps for breath. "Please… I will lose myself without you, until nothing is left."

 

"You're not dying." Josh says sternly. "Tyler, this is not happening."

 

"I'M DYING!" Tyler screams and then he keeps screaming at the top of his lungs, filling the forest with noises of pain and loneliness until his voice cracks and he falls down on his knees. "I'm going crazy." he whispers and his voice is hoarse from all the screaming.

 

He can hear Josh crying on the other side of the line. Tyler hangs up without saying goodbye to Josh. He stares at his phone, then shuts it off. He doesn't want to talk to Josh anymore. He can't help him.

 

He's all alone.

 

 

 

**Life has a hopeful undertone**

 

Tyler lies down in the middle of the forest and curls himself up. The mud and the leaves under his cheek are cold and he shivers. He realizes that he lost all hope. There's no happiness left, nothing worth to live for.

 

He closes his eyes and hopes he freezes to death. It's unlikely, because it's summer, but Tyler doesn't feel the warmth. All he can feel is the coldness inside of him.

 

It seems to take forever until Tyler hears voices. He sees light flashing between the trees and suddenly he hears his dad's voice.

 

"Tyler. Oh my god, are you okay?" he grabs his son's shoulder and helps him to sit up. "Are you hurt?"

 

"No." Tyler whispers. "Yes. I'm hurting. Inside."

 

He sees Zack standing next to him, his face pale, a flashlight in his hands.

 

Chris picks Tyler up like he is as light as a feather and starts walking. "You scared us to death, Tyler." he says quietly. "We thought…"

 

"How did you find me?" Tyler asks, teeth chattering.

 

"Josh called us. He was crying and said that he was worried about you. He said he was afraid that you are…you are going to…" Chris swallows. "That you are going to hurt yourself, Tyler."

 

"I'm already hurt." Tyler mumbles and closes his eyes.

 

He feels a hand grabbing his own and when he looks up, he sees Zack walking next to him and holding his hand. He looks sad and shocked and Tyler feels guilty. He shouldn't scare Zack that way.

 

"I got lost." Tyler tries to explain. "I'm sorry."

 

His father doesn't respond, he just presses Tyler closer to his chest. He carries him to the car and Tyler sits down on the backseat with a sigh. They drive home in silence and Tyler is so tired that he almost falls asleep in the car.

 

When they arrive at home, the front door opens and before Tyler can even get out of the car, Maddy opens the door of it.

 

"Tyler." he cries and pulls him out of the car, wrapping his arms around him. She's barefoot and the driveway must be cold, but she doesn't care.

 

Tyler holds her close and squeezes his eyes shut, trying to hold back the tears. He won't cry.

 

His family surrounds him and they walk inside, but Tyler feels disconnected. It feels like he isn't part of this family, all their happy lives.

 

Inside, his parents send his siblings to bed and try to talk to him. They ask him what is wrong, if they can help, but Tyler refuses to talk to them. He just wants to be alone.

 

His parents don't understand. And Tyler doesn't want them to understand. He's a lost case, there's no hope left for him.

 

He assures them that he's fine. He's fine, he's just stressed out because of school and because graduation is creeping closer, he'll get over it, he just has to relax.

 

They leave him alone and Tyler lies in his bed, thinking about what happened. His throat still feels scratchy and he is cold, so cold, but then he thinks about Josh.

 

He cared about him. He was worried.

 

Tyler's eyes burn because tears keep leaking from the corners but his lips twitch and he smiles.

 

               

 

 

 

_To Tyler: Ty, are you alright? Please tell me that you're fine!_

To Josh: I'm fine. I overreacted, don't worry.

 

_To Tyler: I was so scared. I thought you'd hurt yourself or worse…_

 

To Josh: Do you really think I'd kill myself? I'm not stupid josh

 

_To Tyler: did you think about it? please be honest with me_

 

To Josh: no

 

To Josh: yes

 

_To Tyler: you're important to me, okay? you're my best friend and I need you. if you ever think about it again, talk to me_

 

To Josh: okay. I'm sorry.

 

_To Tyler: don't be sorry, it's not your fault_

 

To Josh: thank you

 

               

 

 

 

The days go by and Tyler doesn't feel better. He feels numb and still the remarks his classmates make about his looks, telling him that he's a loser, hurt Tyler a lot. He and Josh talk more often, Josh calls him every evening, just to c _heck on him_ but it's just him talking about his life with all this disgusting happiness in his voice and Tyler listens. He would always listen, even if Josh would tell him how awful Tyler really is. Because it's the truth and Tyler knows it.

 

He listens, clutching his phone, tensing every time he hears Brendon's name and waiting for Josh to tell him that he, _finally,_ fell in love with Brendon and that they're all sappy and shit. Tyler's waiting for the final push over the edge of the cliff. It never comes.

 

Maybe Tyler needs to jump himself.

 

He's pretty busy with school, graduation is so close and Tyler still has no idea what to do after school. Josh doesn't know either. It's nice, hearing the voice of your best friend, only friend every day.

 

They don't talk about the incident a few days ago, because Tyler refuses to. He just wants Josh to forget what happened. He simply doesn't want to talk about it. Period.

 

When Josh suggests him to seek professional help, Tyler gets angry and hangs up without saying goodbye to Josh. Josh never mentions it again.

 

Still, Tyler notices how distant they are. He yearns for the warmth he felt whenever he heard Josh's voice. It feels like he turned into a bitter old man and he doesn't like it.

 

           

 

 

Tyler receives a text from Josh two days later.

 

_To Tyler: can you skype? now?_

Tyler texts him back and a couple minutes later, he sees Josh's face on the screen. He's shocked when he sees his face. Josh looks dead tired, there are black circles beneath his eyes and he doesn't look happy at all.

 

"How are you doing?" Josh asks and tries to smile, failing horribly.

 

"I'm fine." Tyler says quickly and stares at him. "Dude, what's wrong?"

 

"Nothing." Josh shakes his head. "I'm fine."

 

"You're not fine." Tyler almost laughs. "You look… dead."

 

"Thank you." Josh sighs and rubs his eyes.

 

"What happened?" Tyler asks softly, because he knows Josh and he knows that something's wrong.

 

Josh looks out of the window for a few seconds before he turns his head back to the camera. "Brendon, I and a few other guys were smoking weed in the football field bathroom and when we walked out, well, there were cops and yeah. Brendon still had weed in his bag." Josh sighs again. "We have to go to three days of rehab class. My parents were furious when they heard that I smoked weed with Brendon."

 

Tyler can't hide his surprise. "Smoking weed in school? Seriously? That's a dumb idea. I thought you were smarter." He can't help but sound a little bit disappointed.

 

"Yeah, I know that." Josh says and he sounds pissed. "I have rehab class and I'm grounded. It's a miracle my parents didn't take my phone away yet. I really don't need your smart advice right now, Tyler."

 

Tyler takes a deep breath. "I didn't know you like weed."

 

Josh shrugged. "Brendon introduced me to it. I didn't want to feel left out."

 

"Is it… only weed?" Tyler asks slowly.

 

"What? Do you seriously think I'm a heroin addict?" Josh says angrily. "You know what, fuck you."

 

Tears well up in Tyler's eyes. "I'm just worried about you, Josh! The Josh I know doesn't smoke weed and gets arrested. You changed."

 

"Maybe you changed." Josh says coldly. "Maybe you shouldn't care about me."

 

"But I do." Tyler responds. "I think about you every day."

 

"Why?" Josh yells. "I'm here, in LA, you should forget about me. I'm not a good person, Tyler. Why do you care about me?"

 

"Because I love you, you fucking idiot!" Tyler yells back and his voice cracks. Tears stream down his face and he flinches when he realizes what he just said.

 

Josh stares at him in shock. Tyler is as shocked as he is, he looks at Josh wide-eyed. His hands start to tremble and he gasps for breath.

 

"I didn't mean it." Tyler adds quickly. "I didn't… Fuck."

 

"Are you serious?" Josh whispers.

 

"No." Tyler lies but his body proves him wrong. "N-no, I don't love you. I don't…"

 

"Tyler, do you love me?" Josh asks and leans closer.

 

Tyler scoots back from his laptop, scared out of his mind. "Don't be mad at me, please, Josh, don't be mad at me! You're my friend, I didn't mean it that way." he pleas and Josh closes his eyes, taking a deep breath.

 

"You don't mean it." he says slowly and then he opens his eyes again, catching Tyler's gaze. "You don't mean it, right?"

 

His brown eyes bore into Tyler's. His gaze is intense. "I don't mean it." Tyler whispers. "I don't love you."

 

"Good." Josh leans back and sighs in relief. "That's good. It was an accident, wasn't it?"

 

"Just an accident. It slipped. I didn't mean it." Tyler repeats, feeling a dull ache in his chest.

 

"You didn't mean it. Because you don't love me." Josh says slowly, like he can't believe his own words.

 

"Correct." Tyler whispers.

 

"We're friends, nothing more."

 

"Just friends." Tyler wipes the stupid tears away.

 

"Okay." Josh's shoulders drop. "I need to go now."

 

"See you."

 

"Bye, Tyler." Josh response makes Tyler feel cold inside, so incredibly cold. He shuts his laptop and he is sure, that is the push he needed to fall.

 

Tyler's head spins, his chest aches and he lies down on his bed, curling himself up.

 

 _That's it._ he thinks.

 

_I'm falling._

 

 

 

Tyler dreams of Josh. He opens his eyes and there's Josh beside him, smiling at him.

 

"I need you, you know?" Tyler says and Josh kisses his forehead and pets his hair, his fingernails slightly scratching over Tyler's scalp. Tyler closes his eyes and sighs, burying his face in Josh's chest and his friend wraps his arms around him and holds him close.

 

"Come back to me, please." Tyler mumbles and sighs. His drifting away slowly, sleep grabbing him and pulling him deeper into unconsciousness.

 

"I will." Josh whispers and Tyler can barely hear him because he's almost asleep. "I will come back, Tyler. I promise. Just wait for me, okay? You need to wait for me."

 

Tyler hums and then he is fast asleep.

 

When he wakes up the next day, there's a warm feeling in his chest, like a blanket that covers the painful words Tyler said yesterday. But the feeling fades away as soon as he realizes that there's a crack in their friendship and that Josh probably hates him now.

 

           

 

 

 

They don't talk anymore, they ignore each other. Tyler reads the texts that he sent Josh a few weeks ago and his heart clenches every time he thinks of his friend. He is sure that their friendship has broken apart. There's no way to fix the things that happened.

 

Graduation comes closer quickly and Tyler feels like he isn't even alive. A dead body, dragging himself through his life, without joy. Then is the day of graduation, Tyler has a scholarship for college and his family is excited. They're happy that Tyler made it. His grades could've been better, but he doesn't care. He wasn't motivated to work much for school.

 

Afterwards, his family celebrates at home, his grandparents are there and other relatives. The congratulate Tyler, shaking his hand and hugging him, leaving kisses on his cheek and he hears how much he's grown more than once.

 

Tyler decided to skip the graduation party, he just wants to hide from everyone.

 

He doesn't want to celebrate with his classmates, they hate him anyway.

 

Tyler doesn't want to think about Josh, because Josh hates him and thinks that Tyler is a creep. The brunette starts to think about death, about dying and it's terrible, but it helps him survive.

 

He could end it all. But he keeps on fighting. He will fight until his bones break and he falls down, unable to get back up again. Because Josh told him to keep fighting.

 

Graduation is over and Tyler doesn't leave his house. He doesn't want to think about college. He doesn't want to think about the future at all. It hurts too much. Instead, Tyler thinks about the past. He thinks about the fact that the only place where he felt safe was in Josh's arms. He thinks about Josh's smile and how he called Tyler his brother.

 

Tyler cries and wishes he'd see Josh again.

 

Two weeks later, his parents tell him that he can't stay in bed forever. He needs to leave the house. They tell him to go for a walk, and finally, because Tyler is sick of seeing his own room, he agrees.

 

The sun is shining and his hoodie is too hot. Tyler realizes that it is summer. He missed the spring and now it's hot outside and people walk around in shorts and t shirts. It's cooler in the forest, but he isn't alone, there are people going for walks with their dogs, children running around and Tyler feels like they entered his safe place without his permission. He walks around but all the people talking and the dogs barking overwhelm him and he turns, walking back home.

 

Tyler walks back home, through the familiar neighborhoods, sweat dripping down his face, but he doesn't want to take off his hoodie. He looks down at the concrete, he is sure his feet would burn if he would walk without shoes.

 

Tyler sees the car in front of his house from far away. He doesn't think about it, but when he walks closer, he flinches and stops. He stands there, staring at the car with wide eyes. It's not true. It can't be him.

 

Hesitantly, he walks closer. He would recognize the car everywhere. Tyler starts to shiver. His feet feel like they're stuck to the ground. His hands are shaking when he walks to the driver's door. He stops and looks inside.

 

The person inside has their arms rested on the steering wheel, face buried in them. Vibrant pink hair, starting to fade, looks foreign to Tyler. Last time Tyler saw it in real life, his hair was blue. Josh's body is shaking.

 

Tyler places a hand on the window. The glass is warm and he feels disconnected from his friend. He just stares at Josh who is crying, watching how his body twitches with every sob that leaves his mouth.

 

Tyler drops his hand, tears dripping down his face. He takes a step back, wants to run away and forget what happened when Josh looks up.

 

He stares at Tyler with wet eyes, tears running down his face. He looks like he's been crying for a long time. He pales when he recognizes Tyler and reaches for the door to open it.

 

Tyler looks at him wide-eyed when Josh gets out of the car. He turns and runs towards his house, but two strong arms grab him from behind and Josh spins him around.

 

Tyler struggles against his grip and Josh lets go, hurt flashing over his face.

 

"Tyler." he whispers.

 

Tyler starts to sob. "Why are you here?" he asks. "Why, Josh?"

 

Josh clenches his hands to fists. "Because of you." he grits out. "I'm here because… because…" Josh stutters. "Tyler, will you take me back? Will you forgive me?"

 

Tyler presses a hand to his mouth to muffle his sobs and then he crashes into Josh, wrapping his arms around him and crying into his shoulder.

 

Josh holds him close and grabs Tyler's hoodie with his hands as if he is afraid that Tyler leaves as soon as he lets go.

 

"I love you." Tyler whispers. "I love you so much, Josh."

 

Josh closes his eyes and breathes in Tyler's scent that he missed so much. "I promised to keep you safe." Josh cries.

 

"You did, Josh." Tyler responds and chokes out a laugh. "You always did."

 

Josh takes a shaky breath and runs his hands up and down Tyler's neck. "I'll never leave you again, Tyler. You're so important to me."

 

Tyler is shaking, his entire body is trembling and he can't believe it's real. Josh is here.

 

"Please, don't hurt me ever again." he mumbles and Josh tenses and withdraws. Regret is written all over his face when he looks at Tyler and his voice cracks when he speaks.

 

"Never. I never wanted to hurt you, Tyler. I'm so sorry for leaving you and yelling at you." he says and wipes his tears away. "I'm so sorry. You mean the world to me. Please, forgive me for all the stupid things I did."

 

"I forgive you." Tyler takes a deep breath. "I'm so glad you're here. I missed you so much."

 

Josh smiles, eyes still glistering with unshed tears. "I missed you, too." He pulls Tyler into a hug again and they stand like this for a few minutes, arms wrapped around each other.

 

"Let's go inside." Tyler says finally. Josh nods and grabs his hand, still scared that Tyler is going to reject him.

 

They walk inside and Tyler's family stares at them when they see Tyler pulling Josh towards the stairs.

 

"Josh… you're back." Kelly says.

 

"I am." Josh smiles. "And there's a lot Tyler and I have to talk about."

 

He follows Tyler to his room and Tyler closes the door. Josh sits down on the bed and bites his lip.

 

"Why did you make me say that?" Tyler asks. "Why? I was lying and you know that. I always loved you."

 

Josh rubs his face with his palm and sighs. "I never wanted to leave you. I wanted to be here with you. But that was selfish because you deserve so much better than me." he explains and he sounds broken. "I wanted you to forget me. I thought you'd be better off without me. Tyler, all I wanted for you was to be happy. I tried to make it as easy as possible. When you said you loved me… it hurt, because I realized that you needed me and I wasn't there to help you. I always told myself not to get my hopes up and when you said it, I panicked. You're so beautiful Tyler, you deserve the world and I can't give you that. But, if you want to, I'm willing to try."

 

Tyler walks over to him and sits down next to him. "Are you serious?"

 

"Of course I am." Josh says and looks at him. "I need you, Tyler. Probably more than you need me."

 

"Doubt it." Tyler responds and bites his lip. "I was so freaking jealous. I thought you fell in love with Brendon."

 

Josh shakes his head. "I like Brendon, don't get me wrong, but he can be a dick sometimes. He's not you." Josh takes a deep breath. "Tyler, I know it's probably too soon, but I wanted to ask this for a long time. Do you want to be my boyfriend?"

 

Tyler smiles so much that his cheeks start to hurt. "Yes. God, yes, please!"

 

Josh smiles back, his eyes crinkling. "Sick."

 

Tyler's hands start to shake and Josh grabs them. "Can I kiss you?"

 

Tyler nods, his heart beating fast in his chest. Josh leans in, pressing his lips softly on Tyler's plump ones and Tyler sighs quietly. Josh places a hand on his neck and pulls him closer. Tyler closes his eyes.

 

It is better than everything he ever wished for. Josh's lips are soft and feel perfect on his own. He doesn't want the kiss to end. It isn't a kiss filled with lust and desire, it is just his lips against Josh's and it send s chills down Tyler's spine.

 

They break apart, smiling brightly and Tyler has never felt so happy before.

 

           

 

 

 

"I'll go to college." Tyler says and looks at Josh who is lying on the floor, arms crossed behind his head and looking at the ceiling.

 

"Really?" Josh glances at him. "I don't want to go to college. I hated school."

 

"What are you going to do?" Tyler asks and reaches out to touch Josh's red hair.

 

Josh shrugs and grabs Tyler's wrist. "I dunno. Probably finding a job to pay for my own apartment."

 

"My college is not far away. We can see each other often."

 

"That's perfect." Josh says and kisses Tyler's knuckles.

 

Tyler smiles when he cups Josh's cheek and Josh presses into his hand, closing his eyes. He realizes that he was wrong the entire time. When he thought everything was getting worse, things were getting better slowly.

 

Tyler thinks about the thing Josh said to him in the library, a long time ago. That he had to find his purpose in life.

 

He looks at the red-haired boy who is sleeping next to him and he knows he found his purpose. Even if it is just a punk who makes him laugh and feel like he is the most important thing in the world.

 

 

 

 


End file.
